Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site:

Paddy says to Murphy.

“I’m gonna have the day off,I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

“I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!”

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts!

“Paddy you’re mad, go home!”

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

“Where the hell are you going?” Asks the Foreman.

“I can’t work in the dark!” Says Murphy!

A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.

The owner of the farm shouted:

“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”

The silence was deafening.

Suddenly, a man jumped into the water. He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed.

The owner announced:

“We have a winner!”

After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room.

The man tells his wife:

“I did not jump in myself, Someone pushed me!”

His wife smiled and said coldly:

“It was me!”

Moral of the story: Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push!

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend:

They hadn’t been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his Sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality, leather gloves.

Paddy’s sister bought a Pair of Knickers for herself at the same time.

Marks and Spencer’s had a “Free Gift Wrap Offer” on as it was Xmas.

But the Shop Assistant mixed up the Two Items, the Sister got the Gloves and Paddy unknowingly, got the Knickers.

Good old Paddy, sent off his Gift Wrapped Present in a parcel with the following Letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any, when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my Sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from, showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her Ring, which helps keep it Clean. In fact she hasn’t needed to wash It, since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them, before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit, because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will Wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Patrick. *

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style. Is to wear them folded down, with a little bit of fur showing….

Little Johnny is back at school after the holidays.

After a few days,

his teacher calls up Little Johnny’s dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school.

His dad says to the teacher

“Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved.”

A frail old man is put in to a care home by his family.

They visit him a few days later and as they are talking he starts leaning to the left.

A nurse quickly runs over and props him up straight.

A little while later he starts leaning to the right, again the nurse runs over and props him up again.

The family, impressed by the care he seems to be receiving then ask him how he likes the place, to which he replies,

“It’s quite nice but the only thing I don’t like is that they don’t let you fart”