There was a woman who had a dog that snored.
She called her vet to find out if there was anything that would stop the snoring.
The vet suggested that she tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles.
So, she went to her sewing basket, found a length of ribbon and tied it around the dog’s testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring.
Later that evening, her husband came home drunk, fell into the bed and immediately went to sleep.
In his slumber, he began to snore.
“Well,” she thought, “if it worked for the dog, it might just work for him.”
With that, she went to her sewing basket and retrieved another length of ribbon.
She tied it around her husband’s testicles and sure enough, he stopped snoring.
During the night, the husband got up to go to the bathroom.
As he passed the mirror, he notice the blue ribbon tied around him.
He looked over at the dog and noticed a red ribbon tied around the dog.
“Well, boy, I don’t know where we’ve been but we won first and second place!”
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line
up in a straight row, totally nude,
in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached
to his weenie, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would
not be ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before
the first candidate with no reaction..
She proceeded down the line with
the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his
bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly
scrambled to where the bell came
to rest. He bent over to pick it up….
and all the other bells started to ring.
The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found superhuman strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”
Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
“I was on the roof of an apartment-building working on the AC equipment
and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”
Saint Peter couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still chuckling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says, “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”
“I don’t know,” replies the man. “Picture this, I’m naked, hiding in this cedar chest…”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street Corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.
Two beggars in London
Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London …
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali ‘I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?’
Ali says, ‘Look at your sign, what does it say’?
Habib’s sign reads ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support’.
Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says ‘So what does your sign say’?
Ali shows Habib his sign. It reads:
‘I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan’.