Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Margaret, a spirited woman in her mid-fifties, was rushing through the grocery store parking lot when she suddenly clutched her chest and collapsed. She was rushed to the emergency room, where doctors worked frantically to stabilize her. While on the operating table, slipping in and out of consciousness, Margaret had a vivid near-death experience.

She found herself standing in a bright, ethereal light, face-to-face with God. He looked serene, wise, and infinitely patient.

“Is this it?” Margaret asked, her voice trembling. “Am I… gone?”

God shook his head gently. “No, Margaret. It is not your time. You have another 30 to 40 years left to live. Go back.”

Suddenly, Margaret gasped, her eyes flying open in the recovery room. She was alive! And better yet, she had a deadline: three to four decades of life remaining.

As she lay there, staring at the ceiling tiles, a plan began to form. If she had all that time left, she wasn’t going to spend it looking like a tired, middle-aged librarian. She was going to make the most of it.

While still recovering from the heart surgery, Margaret called her plastic surgeon. “Book me in,” she said firmly. “I want everything. A facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck—whatever you’ve got. And while you’re at it, send in a stylist to change my hair color to a vibrant platinum blonde.”

For the next two weeks, the hospital became her personal spa. She underwent procedure after procedure, emerging from each one tighter, smoother, and more glamorous than before. By the time she was discharged, she looked twenty years younger, radiating confidence and expensive skincare.

She walked out of the hospital doors, feeling fantastic, ready to tackle her new lease on life. But as she stepped onto the sidewalk, an ambulance came speeding around the corner, sirens blaring, rushing to pick up the very patient who had just left. In the chaos, Margaret was struck and killed instantly.

Her soul floated up, once again finding itself in the bright, ethereal light. She stood before God, hands on her hips, looking thoroughly annoyed.

“Wait a minute!” she exclaimed. “I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years? Why did you bring me back here so soon?”

God squinted, leaning forward slightly, peering at her with genuine confusion. He tilted his head, looked her up and down, and shrugged.

“Oh, sorry,” God said politely. “I didn’t recognize you.”

Young Timmy was a curious boy with a knack for finding trouble. One afternoon, while wandering the endless, carpeted hallways of the grand “Royal Plaza Hotel,” he heard some muffled noises coming from Room 304. Intrigued, he pushed the door open just a crack.

Inside, it was pitch black. The curtains were drawn tight. Timmy squinted into the darkness and shouted, “Wow, it’s dark in here!”

Suddenly, the lights flickered on (or rather, a lamp was hastily turned on). A disheveled man and a woman were sitting up in bed, looking thoroughly embarrassed and annoyed. The man, trying to handle the situation with quick cash, reached for his wallet. “Look, kid, what do you want? Here’s $10. Just leave us alone, okay?”

Timmy took the money, shrugged, and walked away.

An hour later, boredom got the better of him. Timmy found himself back in front of Room 304. He pushed the door open again. It was dark once more. He shouted, “Wow, it’s dark in here!”

The man jumped up, furious. “Not you again! Go away! Here, take this $20 and go buy yourself something. Just stop bothering us!”

Timmy happily took the money and left, feeling like he’d had a very profitable day.

However, by the next morning, a pang of guilt hit him. He realized he had essentially extorted money from a couple by interrupting their privacy. Feeling remorseful, he went to his mother. “Mom, I did something bad yesterday at the hotel. I kept opening a door and taking money.”

His mother sighed, shaking her head. “That’s wrong, Timmy. You need to clear your conscience. Go to the church, find the confessional booth, and confess your sins to the priest.”

Timmy nodded solemnly. He walked to the local cathedral, found the wooden confessional booth, and stepped inside. It was small, enclosed, and completely pitch black.

Timmy sat down, cleared his throat, and said loudly:

“Wow, it’s dark in here!”

From the other side of the screen, a weary voice replied:

“Not you again! Are you following me around?”

Harold and Martha, a spry couple in their late nineties who had been married for seventy wonderful years, were sitting in their doctor’s office for their annual checkup. They were both perfectly healthy, but they shared one common complaint: their memories weren’t quite what they used to be. Keys disappeared, names vanished, and sometimes they forgot why they walked into a room.

The doctor smiled kindly and said, “You’re both in excellent physical shape. But to help with the memory lapses, I strongly suggest you start writing things down. It’s a simple trick, but it works wonders.”

Later that night, Harold and Martha were settled comfortably in their living room, watching their favorite game show. Harold stretched, his joints popping slightly, and stood up. “I’m going to the kitchen for a glass of water,” he said. “Want anything while I’m in there?”

Martha thought for a moment. “Well, since you’re going… could you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure thing,” Harold said, turning toward the hallway.

Martha paused, remembering the doctor’s advice. “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked gently.

Harold waved her off dismissively. “No need, my dear. I can remember it. Ice cream. Got it.”

“Well,” Martha continued, “I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget the details?”

Harold sighed, patting his pocket. “I can remember that, Martha. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. It’s locked in here.” He tapped his temple confidently.

“I’d also like whipped cream,” Martha added. “I’m certain you’ll forget that part—please write it down?”

Now slightly irritated, Harold huffed. “I don’t need to write it down! I have a mind like a steel trap! Ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!”

He toddled off into the kitchen, muttering the order to himself to keep it fresh. Martha went back to watching TV, feeling confident that her treat was on its way.

About twenty minutes later, Harold returned. He wasn’t carrying a bowl. Instead, he placed a steaming plate of bacon and eggs on the coffee table in front of her.

Martha stared at the plate. She looked at the crispy bacon. She looked at the sunny-side-up eggs. She looked up at Harold, who was smiling proudly, expecting praise for his culinary skills.

She picked up her fork, took a bite of egg, and then looked him dead in the eye and asked:

“Where’s my toast?”

Colonel Sanders was in a panic. After three consecutive months of declining sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the buckets were piling up, the fryers were cold, and the Colonel’s famous white suit was looking a little less crisp than usual. Desperate for a miracle, he decided to go straight to the top. He picked up the phone and dialed the Vatican.

After navigating through several layers of Swiss Guards and secretaries, he finally got Pope Francis on the line.

“Your Holiness,” the Colonel began, his voice trembling with urgency. “I have a proposition that could change the world. I need you to change one tiny line in the Lord’s Prayer. Instead of ‘Give us this day our daily bread,’ I need it to say, ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.’ If you do this, I swear on my eleven herbs and spices, I will donate $10 million dollars to the Vatican immediately.”

There was a long pause on the other end. The Pope sighed gently. “My son, I am very sorry. That is the Lord’s Prayer, handed down through centuries. It isn’t something I can just change the words of for a commercial endorsement. I must decline.”

Disappointed but undeterred, the Colonel hung up. But after another month of terrible sales, his desperation grew. He called the Vatican again.

“Listen, Your Excellency,” the Colonel pleaded. “I’m serious now. I’ll double it. I’ll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words from ‘daily bread’ to ‘daily chicken.’ Think of the charities! Think of the orphanages!”

The Pope sounded tempted. “It is very tempting, Colonel. The Church could do so much good with that kind of money. We could repair the roof of St. Peter’s twice over. But, again, I must decline. It is sacred text. I cannot change the Word of God for fried poultry.”

The Colonel gave up… for a while. But after two more months of disastrous financial reports, he made one final, all-or-nothing call.

“This is my final offer, Your Holiness. If you change the prayer to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken,’ I will donate $100 million dollars to the Vatican. Cash. Today.”

The Pope didn’t answer immediately. He cleared his throat. “Let me get back to you.”

The next morning, the Pope called together all of his Cardinals and Bishops in the grand conference room. He stood at the head of the table, looking grave yet excited.

“My brothers,” he announced, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The room went silent.

“The good news,” the Pope continued, smiling broadly, “is that KFC is going to donate $100 million dollars to the Vatican. Our financial troubles are over!”

The bishops erupted in cheers. They clapped, they hugged, they whispered prayers of gratitude. Finally, the Cardinal of Finance raised his hand. “But Your Holiness, what is the bad news?”

The Pope’s smile faded slightly. He adjusted his mitre and replied:

“The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.”

Two men were hiking through the woods when they stumbled upon an enormous hole in the ground.

They stopped at the edge and peered down into the darkness.

“Wow! That looks pretty deep,” said the first man.

“Deep? That thing looks bottomless!” replied the second. “Let’s throw a few pebbles down and see how far it goes.”

They picked up several small stones and tossed them into the hole.

They waited.

Nothing.

Not even the slightest sound.

“Good grief! That must be incredibly deep,” said the first man. “Let’s try something bigger.”

They found a couple of football-sized rocks and hurled them into the hole.

They waited again.

Nothing.

The two men looked at each other in disbelief.

“Okay,” said one of them. “If those rocks didn’t make a sound, we need something much heavier.”

Just then, they spotted an old railroad tie lying in the weeds.

“Help me carry that over here. If anything is going to make a noise, that monster will!”

After considerable effort, they dragged the heavy railroad tie to the edge and pushed it into the hole.

Down it went.

Silence.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a goat came charging through the woods at full speed. It raced straight past the two men, leaped into the air, and disappeared headfirst into the enormous hole!

The men stood there with their mouths hanging open.

“What on earth was THAT?” one shouted.

A few moments later, a farmer emerged from the woods and approached them.

“Excuse me, gentlemen. Have either of you seen my goat wandering around here?”

“You bet we have!” one man replied. “The craziest thing just happened! A goat came running through here like its life depended on it and jumped straight into that enormous hole!”

The farmer shook his head.

“Impossible! That couldn’t have been my goat.”

“Why not?” asked one of the men.

The farmer replied:

“Because my goat was chained to a railroad tie!”