An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying in silence for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “seven points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”
The old man answers,” “I’m playing fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”
After five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”
Furious about loosing, the wife rips another fat and yells out, “The score is tied!”
The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose.
He strains incredibly had but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed.
The wife hears the noise and asks. “What in the world was that noise?”
The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”
Three friends while touring Dubai happened to stumble into a harem tent filled with more than fifty beautiful women.
The guys start getting friendly with these exotic girls, when suddenly the sheik comes in.
In a furious tone he says “I am the master of these women. No one can touch them but me. You three men must pay for what you have done, and will be punished in a way that corresponds to your profession.”
With that, the sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a cop,” the man says.
“Then we will shoot your penis off!” says the sheik.
He then turns to the second man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a fireman,” says the second man.
“Then we will burn your penis off!” says the sheik.
Finally, he asks the third man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”
With a sly grin, the man says, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly contain myself. …
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident… ” I just lost it.”
Van typically the fall guy in everyone’s jokes was one day surprised to receive an invite from one of his neighbors Koos. Koos was one of the local rich kids by inheritance.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, Koos said, “I have a 10 ft. man eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million bucks to anyone who has the balls to jump in.”
The words were barely out of Koos’ mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Van in the pool!
Van was fighting the croc and kicking its ass!
He was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of things like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Van and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Van strangled the croc and let it sink to the bottom like a sick goldfish.
Van then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally Koos , the rich guy says, “Well, Van, I reckon I owe you a million bucks.”
“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Van Koos said.
“Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”
“No thanks. I don’t want it,” answered Van.
Koos said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and Rolex and some stock options?”
Van just said no.
Confused, Koos said, “Well, Van, then what do you want?”
Van answered, “I want the name of the smart ass who pushed me in the pool!”
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores: “A guy will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate.
“Satisfied that his wife had the instructions clear, the farmer leaves for town.
That afternoon, the inseminator arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
“This is the cow right here,” she tell him.
“What’s the nail for?” “I guess it’s to hang up your pants.”