Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes.

Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes.

One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die.

So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.

The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them.

So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival.

He was the head of household and the sole bread winner.

So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.

Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute.

One person was a 12-year-old boy, and the other was a 65-year-old man.

The old man said, “Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you.

So, you take the last parachute.”

The boy asked, “Why, Sir?”

The old man said, “Well, there is only one parachute left.”

The little lad said, “Sir there are really two parachutes left.”

The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, “Yeah? How?”

“Well,” replied the boy, “you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth?

He grabbed my backpack.”

A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you?  A landscaper?!”

Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”

The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”

Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”

His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”

A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed.

Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”

The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor?  He came over and fixed everything.”

The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”

“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have s3x with him.”

Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”

The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!”

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, “Uh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in s3x.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.

He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”