Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Jane, having fully adapted to her life in the jungle, decided it was time to bring a little bit of civilization to their camp. She spent the morning crafting a beautiful, hand-carved wooden bird feeder and hung it proudly on the branch of a massive old oak tree. Tarzan sat on a nearby rock, watching her with deep fascination but utter confusion.

Seeing his curiosity, Jane walked over to explain how it worked. She pointed to the small, circular opening in the wood. “See this little hole,

Tarzan? You just take the birdseed and put it right in here.”

Tarzan scratched his head, looking from the hole to Jane and back again. “Tarzan not understand,” he replied slowly.

“Here, let me show you,” Jane said patiently with a warm smile. She grabbed a handful of seeds from her pouch, stepped up to the tree, and slid them neatly into the opening. “See? You just put it in here.”

Tarzan’s eyes lit up. He nodded slowly, clearly having a lightbulb moment. He stepped up to the oak tree, but instead of picking up the birdseed, he reached down and picked up a long, sturdy stick from the ground.

He marched right up to the birdhouse, aimed the stick directly at the little hole, and jammed it deep inside, wiggling it around vigorously from side to side.

Jane gasped, horrified that he was about to smash her beautiful new creation. “Tarzan, stop! What on earth are you doing?!” she cried out.

Tarzan pulled the stick out, looked at her with perfect, innocent sincerity, and replied:

“Tarzan checking for squirrel.”

Joe had suffered from blinding, debilitating headaches for over twenty years. Desperate for relief, he finally visited a specialist.

After a battery of bizarre tests, the doctor called him into the office with a grave expression.

“Joe, I have good news and bad news,” the doctor began. “The good news is, I can completely cure your headaches. The bad news is, it will require surgery. You have an incredibly rare anatomical condition where your testicles press directly against the base of your spine. That pressure is what’s causing the migraines. The only permanent cure is removal.”

Joe was stunned, shocked, and deeply depressed. He spent days wondering if he had anything left to live for. But the pain was unbearable, and he realized he had no real choice. He went under the knife.

When Joe left the hospital, he was genuinely amazed: for the first time in two decades, his head was completely clear. No pain. No pressure. Yet, as he walked down the street, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was missing a vital part of himself.

But then, a thought struck him. Maybe this is a chance for a new beginning, he reasoned. A fresh start. A new life.

Feeling inspired, he spotted a high-end men’s clothing store and thought, That’s it. I need a new suit to match the new me.

He walked into the shop and approached the counter. An elderly, sharp-eyed tailor with a measuring tape draped around his neck looked him up and down.

“I’d like a new suit,” Joe said.

The tailor didn’t even reach for his tape. He just squinted for a second. “Let’s see… size 44 Long.”

Joe laughed, genuinely impressed. “That’s exactly right! How did you know?”

The tailor smiled modestly. “Been in the business sixty years.”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit like a glove. As he admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a new dress shirt to go with it?”

Joe thought for a moment. “Sure, why not.”

The tailor glanced at Joe’s arms and neck. “Let’s see… 34 sleeve, and a 16-and-a-half neck.”

Joe’s eyes widened. “That’s right! How did you know?”

“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor repeated smoothly.

The shirt fit perfectly. Joe was on a roll now. “How about some new shoes?” he asked eagerly.

The tailor looked down at Joe’s feet. “Let’s see… 9-and-a-half, width E.”

Joe was absolutely astonished. “That’s right! How on earth did you know?”

“Been in the business sixty years.”

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, feeling like a million bucks. The tailor cleared his throat. “And finally, sir… how about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second, feeling confident. “Sure.”

The tailor stepped back, eyed Joe’s waistline, and nodded. “Let’s see… size 36.”

Joe threw his head back and laughed triumphantly. “Aha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was eighteen years old!”

The tailor didn’t smile. He just shook his head slowly, his expression turning deeply, professionally serious.

“You can’t wear a size 34 anymore, son,” the tailor said softly. “A 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Arthur and Beatrice, two spry and spirited residents at the Whispering Pines Assisted Living facility, had been carrying on a torrid, late-night “affair.” It wasn’t anything too scandalous—mostly just sneaking down to the common room after lights out, watching old John Wayne movies on the muted TV, with Beatrice keeping her hand comfortably resting on Arthur’s manhood. It was their little secret, a spark of romance in the quiet halls of the nursing home.

But then, out of the blue, Arthur abruptly ended the romance. He gently but firmly told Beatrice he was seeing someone else.

Beatrice was absolutely heartbroken. She cornered him in the hallway the next day near the dessert cart, tears welling in her eyes, her voice trembling with a mix of betrayal and fierce curiosity. She demanded, “What does this new woman have that I don’t?!”

Arthur paused. He adjusted his glasses, looked at his devastated former lover, and gave her a calm, knowing smile.

“Parkinson’s disease.”

The afternoon sun was streaming through the windows of the city bus as it rumbled along its route. An energetic little boy, maybe seven or eight years old, hopped on board and took a seat right behind the driver. Bored and looking for attention, the boy started playing a little game of make-believe out loud.

“If my mom was a hen, and my dad was a rooster,” the boy announced to the back of the driver’s seat, “I would be a little rooster!”

The bus driver, who was already having a long, exhausting shift, glanced in the rearview mirror. “Shut up back there,” he grumbled, keeping his eyes on the road.

But the boy wasn’t deterred. A few minutes later, he started up again. “If my mom was a female elephant, and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant!”

“Shut up!” the driver barked, his patience wearing thin.

Still, the kid kept going, completely unfazed. “If my mom was a female dog, and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog!”

By now, the driver was absolutely fuming. He couldn’t take the relentless chatter anymore. He glared into the rearview mirror, his face red, and decided to shut the kid down with a question of his own.

“Alright, listen here, kid,” the driver snapped. “If your mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a total jerk, what would you be?”

The bus fell completely silent. The boy didn’t even blink. He just leaned forward, looked right at the back of the driver’s head, and answered with perfect, innocent sincerity:

“A bus driver.”

The atmosphere in Dr. Evans’ office was heavy, the kind of quiet that only comes right before life-changing news. The doctor slowly took off his reading glasses, rubbed the bridge of his nose, and looked across the desk at Mr. Smith. “Arthur, I’ll be straight with you,” he said gently.

“The test results came back, and they’re positive for cancer. It’s serious, but we’re going to get through this. I can help you cope with some counseling, but honestly, sometimes the best medicine is just getting out of the house. I actually have a one o’clock tee time at the country club today. Why don’t you come along? A little fresh air and a few swings might do you some good.”

Mr. Smith was in a daze, but he agreed. A couple of hours later, they were standing on the first tee of the lush, sun-drenched golf course. As

Mr. Smith was warming up his swing, a few of his regular golfing buddies walked up to say hello. Seeing his friends, Mr. Smith pulled them aside, his face grave, and solemnly told them that he was dying of AIDS.

The doctor, who had been watching from the tee box, was utterly bewildered. After the friends walked away, shaking their heads in sorrow,

Dr. Evans jogged over to Mr. Smith. “Arthur, I don’t understand,” the doctor said, keeping his voice low. “Why on earth are you telling everyone you’re dying of AIDS when the tests clearly show you have cancer?”

Mr. Smith calmly lined up his golf ball, took a practice swing, and looked at the doctor with deadpan sincerity. He leaned in close and whispered, “Doc, I don’t want any of you guys sleeping with my wife after I’m gone.”