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12/01/2021 from DailyJokes
#15468

A squirrel joined the service of the King of the Forest, the lion.

He did whatever work was given him, quickly and well. The lion became fond of him and promised to give him a cartload of almonds as pension when he retired.

The squirrel envied the other squirrels in the forest because of their carefree life.

He longed to run up and down trees and leap from branch to branch like them but he could not leave the king’s side and even if he could he had to move with courtly dignity.

He consoled himself with the thought that at the end of his career, he would receive a cartload of almonds, a food that few squirrels got to taste in their lifetime.

“They will envy me then,” he would tell himself.

The years passed. The squirrel became old and then it was time for him to retire.

The king gave a grand banquet in his honour and at the end of it, presented him with a cartload of almonds as he had promised.

The squirrel had waited so long for this day but when he saw the almonds, he was seized with sadness.

He realised they were of no use to him now. He had lost all his teeth.

Funny +11
-31 Not Funny
11/30/2021 from DailyJokes
#15466

A man goes to take out a loan. The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan. So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.

The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.

“One moment, please.”

The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank. Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.

An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it. Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”

The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

 

Funny +140
11/29/2021 from DailyJokes
#15460

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.

Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in.

Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there.

So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”

Funny +94
-41 Not Funny
11/28/2021 from DailyJokes
#15458

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette…

..are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks ‘I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.’

The blonde thinks ‘I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.’

The Frenchman thinks ‘I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.’

The Englishman thinks ‘I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.’

Funny +56
-50 Not Funny
11/27/2021 from DailyJokes
#15456

I think, I’m going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer…

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”

Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”

Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?”

Me: “A car.”

Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?”

Me:”I have no idea!”

Officer:”So, you’re drunk.”

Me:”But I didn’t drink anything.”

Officer:”Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:”A motorcycle.”

Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?”

Me:”I have no idea!”

Officer:”As I suspected, you’re drunk!”

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:”So…, counter question — You’re driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?”

Officer:”A prostitute of course.”

Me:”Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?”

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend…

Funny +116
-20 Not Funny
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