Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Mrs. Higgins was a sweet, spry woman in her late eighties, but her eyesight had faded to the point where she could barely distinguish a cat from a coat rack. Her three sons, all successful and fiercely competitive, decided it was time to prove who was truly the “best son.” They agreed on a contest: whoever gave their mother the most impressive gift would win the title of Favorite Child.

The first son, Richard, a real estate mogul, went all out. He purchased a sprawling, 15-room Mediterranean-style mansion with marble floors and a view of the ocean. He presented the keys to his mother with a flourish. “Mom, this is for you. No more cramped apartments. You have space to breathe!”

Mrs. Higgins ran her hands over the cold marble, squinting into the vast, echoing emptiness. “Richard, my dear, the house is just gorgeous,” she said politely. “But it’s really much too big for me. I only live in one room anyway, and it’s far too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.” She handed the keys back. Richard was devastated.

Not to be outdone, the second son, Arthur, a luxury car dealer, bought her a brand-new, silver Mercedes-Benz S-Class, complete with a uniformed chauffeur named Jenkins who would be on call 24/7. “Mom,” Arthur said, opening the door. “Travel in style. You never have to lift a finger.”

Mrs. Higgins sat in the leather seat, feeling the plush upholstery. “Arthur, the car is beautiful,” she admitted. “It has everything you could ever want. But I don’t drive, and I really don’t like that driver. He looks at me funny. So please, return the car.” Arthur was furious.

Now it was up to the third son, Billy. Billy wasn’t rich like his brothers, but he was clever. He knew his mother loved her faith, so he spent a fortune on a rare, highly trained African Grey Parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years by monks to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse, chapter, or book, and the parrot would quote it word-for-word in a perfect, soothing voice. It was the ultimate spiritual companion for a nearly blind woman.

Billy brought the magnificent bird in its golden cage to his mother’s small apartment. “Mom,” he said proudly. “This isn’t just a pet.

This is a miracle. Ask it anything from the Scriptures, and it will answer.”

Mrs. Higgins smiled warmly, reaching out to touch the cage. “Oh, Billy, what a thoughtful gift,” she said.

A week later, the brothers gathered for dinner to hear the final verdict. Richard and Arthur were smug, sure their mother had realized the value of their expensive gifts.

“Well, Mom,” Richard asked. “What did you think of the mansion?”

“Too big,” she said.

“And the Mercedes?” Arthur asked.

“Don’t like the driver,” she replied.

They both turned to Billy. “And what about your gift, Billy? Did she love the parrot?”

Billy beamed. “She said it was the most thoughtful gift of all.”

Richard and Arthur rolled their eyes. “A bird? Really?”

Just then, Mrs. Higgins leaned forward and whispered to Billy, “Son, I just want to thank you again for that wonderful present. The chicken was small, but delicious.”

Harold and Martha, a spry couple in their late eighties who had been married for sixty wonderful years, were sitting on their plush living room couch one quiet Tuesday evening. They were flipping through the channels when they landed on a rather risqué movie on the premium cable package.

Harold adjusted his glasses, looked over at his wife with a twinkle in his eye, and asked softly, “Martha, my dear… do you think we can still do that?”

Martha smiled, patted his hand, and replied with spirited enthusiasm, “Well, Harold, we can sure try!”

With a sense of renewed adventure, they slowly shuffled off to the bedroom. Harold went into the bathroom to freshen up and get ready, while Martha began to undress in the bedroom, feeling surprisingly youthful.

A few minutes later, Harold emerged from the bathroom, towel around his waist, ready for romance. But when he walked into the bedroom, he stopped dead in his tracks. There was Martha, standing perfectly on her head in the middle of the floor, her legs waving gently in the air like a confused flag.

Harold blinked, completely bewildered. “Martha? Sweetheart? What on earth are you doing?”

Martha, her face slightly red from the inversion, looked up at him from the floor and replied with perfect, practical logic:

“Well, I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”

Arthur was a devoted pet owner, and his tiny, fuzzy hamster, Nibbles, had been acting a bit sluggish lately. Worried sick,

Arthur rushed Nibbles to the local emergency vet clinic. The veterinarian, a stern man with thick glasses and a no-nonsense attitude, gave the little creature a quick once-over, checked its pulse, and shook his head sadly.

“I’m sorry, Arthur,” the vet said grimly. “Nibbles has passed on. He is dead.”

Arthur was stunned. He couldn’t believe it. Nibbles had been eating sunflower seeds just that morning! “Are you sure?”

Arthur asked, his voice trembling. “I’m not happy with this diagnosis. I need a second opinion.”

The vet sighed, rolled his eyes, but agreed. He walked to the back of the office, gave a sharp whistle, and in strolled

Barnaby, a massive, slobbering Labrador Retriever. Barnaby nudged the still hamster around with his wet nose, sniffed it deeply from head to tail, and then let out a heavy, mournful sigh before shaking his head slowly.

“There,” the vet said, crossing his arms. “Even the dog confirms it. Your hamster is dead.”

Arthur was still unconvinced. This felt too easy. “No, no, I need a third opinion. Something more… scientific.”

The vet groaned, opened the back door, and in bounded Mittens, a sleek, judgmental tabby cat. Mittens jumped onto the examination table, stared down at the hamster with intense, predatory focus for a full two minutes, blinked slowly, and then turned away with a dismissive flick of its tail.

“It’s definitely dead, sir,” the vet concluded, closing the file. “Three independent assessments agree.”

Convinced by the sheer weight of the evidence, Arthur slumped his shoulders. “Alright. How much do I owe you?”

The vet handed him a printed invoice. “That will be $1,000, please.”

Arthur’s jaw dropped. He sputtered, nearly choking on his own outrage. “$1,000?! Just to tell me my hamster is dead?

That’s outrageous!”

The vet adjusted his glasses, pointed to the line items on the bill, and replied with perfect, deadpan professionalism:

“Well, sir, there’s my initial diagnosis, the Lab report, and the Cat scan.”

A man was planning a vacation to a small town in the Midwest and wanted to bring his beloved dog along. Before booking a room, he decided to write to a local hotel to make sure pets were welcome.

“Dear Hotel Owner,

I’m planning to visit your town soon and would very much like to bring my dog with me. He’s clean, well-groomed, quiet, and extremely well-behaved.

Would you allow me to keep him in my room overnight?

Thank you for your consideration.”

To his surprise, the hotel owner replied almost immediately.

“Dear Sir,

I’ve been running this hotel for many years, and during that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bed sheets, silverware, or pictures off the walls.

I’ve never had to throw a dog out in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.

I’ve never had a dog get into a fight with another guest, disturb the entire floor, or sneak someone into its room after midnight.

And, most importantly, I’ve never had a dog check out without paying its bill!

So, yes, your dog is more than welcome to stay at my hotel.

However, if your dog can vouch for your character, you’re welcome to stay here, too!”

The man had to admit the hotel owner made a pretty good point. After all, some dogs really are better guests than their owners!

A woman was getting married that weekend, but she had a little problem. Her fiancé believed she was a virgin, and she was worried about how to keep up the illusion on their wedding night.

Feeling desperate, she visited her doctor.

“Doctor, I’m getting married this weekend, and my fiancé thinks I’m a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?”

The doctor thought for a moment.

“Medically, there’s nothing I can do. But I have an unusual suggestion. Take a small elastic band and slip it around your upper thigh before getting into bed. When the moment comes, snap it and tell him that’s your virginity breaking.”

The woman’s face lit up.

“Doctor, you’re a genius! He’ll never suspect a thing!”

That weekend, the couple had a beautiful wedding and headed off to their honeymoon suite.

After getting ready for bed, the bride discreetly slipped the elastic band around her thigh and climbed under the covers.

Soon, the newlyweds began their romantic evening. Just as things got going, she snapped the elastic band.

Her husband suddenly let out a tremendous scream.

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”

The bride calmly smiled and whispered, “Don’t worry, darling. That was just my virginity snapping.”

Her husband grabbed himself, doubled over in agony, and shouted:

“WELL, SNAP IT AGAIN! IT’S GOT MY BALLS!”