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02/15/2019 from DailyJokes
#12432

A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to wash the dust of the road off of him. He gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, pounds the floor with his foot 3 times. All those present stop and stare at him silently.

“Gentlemen,” he says, “my horse is right outside and I need to go to perform my ablutions right now. When I come back, I will go check outside and, if my horse is not there, it will mean everything will have to be just as it was that time when I was in Texas. Don’t let it happen here, hear?”

Without uttering another word, the cowboy walks to the washing room and closes the door. Every single person in there starts talking among them and asking ‘what was it that happened in Texas?’ non-stop without getting an answer from anybody. The bartender certainly didn’t know, and it seemed as if nobody had gotten any news yet of what happened in Texas the time the cowboy was there.

The cowboy is taking too long and everybody almost starts panicking and praying for whatever happened in Texas not to happen in there. They get progressively more agitated each minute that passes. The fear in that room grows so strong that nobody leaves his seat or wants to do it at all, not even to check if the horse is still outside or if anything happened with the cowboy.

Luckily, the cowboy comes out walking calmly and fixing his belt. The room gets quiet once again while the cowboy keeps walking towards the exit. He gets to the door, opens it and takes a step outside to check on his horse. With the room still in silence, the cowboy steps back in and looks around with a face of satisfaction.

“Gentlemen, you did well. My horse is still outside. Keep on drinking in peace. Farewell fellows.”

Everybody in the bar sigh in relief. As the cowboy walks outside and is climbing on his horse, a guy from the bar comes running to him.

“Sir,” the guy says in haste, “you put everybody in the room in deep anxiety for whatever happened in Texas. The tension could be felt in the air as nobody knew what was it that happened over there the time you were in Texas. Sir, please, could you tell me what was it that happened in Texas?”

“Well my horse got stolen,” the cowboy said thoughtfully, “I had to go and buy another one.”

Funny +8
-26 Not Funny
02/14/2019 from DailyJokes
#12429

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two guys objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, “Any idea where we are?”

Billy Bob replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Funny +67
-37 Not Funny
02/13/2019 from DailyJokes
#12426

You may have heard of the best kept secret of the US army – the infamous area 51 in Nevada, where secret operations are conducted.

It was late afternoon when Air Force spotted a Cessna airplane landing right at area 51. Perplexed, they immediately seized the pilot and dragged him into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane. The pilot and a sour, angry looking woman.

The same pilot jumped out and said, “I know I shouldn’t be here again, and you can do anything you want to me, but please, please, will you tell my wife that I actually DID spend last night in area 51!”

Funny +100
-50 Not Funny
02/12/2019 from DailyJokes
#12422

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, ” We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.”

“Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.”

Then the leader said to the group, “What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?”

A gentleman said, ” I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”

“Very good!” ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”

“That”s wonderful!” the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks.”

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”

“Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!

Funny +135
-23 Not Funny
02/11/2019 from DailyJokes
#12418

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.” He thought

“There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.”

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of

his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?” He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch.”

Funny +130
-30 Not Funny
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