The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife!
He said, “Why? Is she super-hot too?
I said, “No, she’s an optometrist!”
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
“Oh no,” says Dave. “Hes on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.
Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the reptile house
at the Bronx Zoo and there were snakes slithering all over
the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything, but he could not get
them back in their cages.
Finally he yelled to his co-worker, “Quick, call a lawyer!”
The co-worker responded, “A lawyer? Why??”
The zookeeper barked back,
“We need someone who speaks their language!”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“So what do you do?” the bartender chats him up.
“Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT,” the guy says.
“How was it changing careers?” the bartender asks.
“Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that the phase ‘My server went down on me,’ is no longer a good thing,” the guy replies.
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
“Yes, Nurse Tracy,” said Mr. Goldstein,
“My private part died today, and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.”
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
“Mr. Goldstein,” she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your private part back inside your pajamas.”
“But, Nurse Tracy,” replied Mr. Goldstein,
“I told you yesterday that my private part died.”
“Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?” asked Nurse Tracy.
“Well,” he replied. “Today’s the viewing.