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08/12/2020 from DailyJokes
#13469
I Am Outta Here en Espanol

 

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I’m coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.

She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread; be back in five minutes.”

Funny +76
08/11/2020 from DailyJokes
#13465

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:

“Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its’ heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.

“Try doing it with the engine running”

Funny +133
08/10/2020 from DailyJokes
#13462
At The Casino en Espanol

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at a casino in Australia.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet $25,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said “I hope you don’t mind but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude”

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled “Come on baby, mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop she yelled “YES! YES!, I WON! I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asked “What did she roll?”

The other answered “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, Not all blondes are dumb, But all men…are men.

Funny +135
08/09/2020 from DailyJokes
#13457

A traveling salesman checks into a futuristic motel.

Realizing his hair needs cutting, he calls the desk clerk to ask if there’s a barber on the premises.

“I’m afraid not sir,” the clerk tells him, “but there’s a vending machine down the hall that should be able to help you”.

Intrigued, the salesman finds the machine with the sign HAIRCUTS $10.00.

He is skeptical but puts in $10 and sticks his head in.

The machine starts to whirl and buzz.

Fifteen seconds later, he pulls out his head to reveal the best haircut of his life!

Looking around, he sees another machine with the sign MANICURES $10.00.

“Why not”, he thinks and inserts his hands into the opening. Fifteen seconds later, he pulls them out to find they’re perfectly manicured.

Amazed at this new technology, he reads the sign on the next machine, THIS MACHINE PROVIDES WHAT MEN NEED MOST WHEN AWAY FROM THEIR WIVES $10.00.

He looks around to check there’s no one about, then puts his money into the machine, unzips his fly and eagerly sticks his willy into the machine.

The buzzing starts and the guy shrieks in agony, but he cant escape!

Fifteen seconds later, the machine shuts down and, with trembling hands he withdraws his manhood………….

now with a button neatly sewn on the end!!

Funny +65
-42 Not Funny
08/08/2020 from DailyJokes
#13452

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.

When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.

When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”

He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”

She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

Funny +72
-15 Not Funny
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