A one day little Johnny asks his dad if he can take a shower with him.
The dad says “yes, but don’t look down.”
So the johnny is in the shower with his dad and he looks down and asks what it is.
The dad replies it’s a snake.
Then he asks if he can take a shower with his mom.
She says “yes, but don’t look up or down.”
They are in the shower and the boy looks up and asks what it is.
The mom replies they’re her headlights.
Then he looks down and asks what it is.
She says it’s her bush.
Then the little johnny asks if he can sleep with his parents.
They reply “yes, but don’t look down.”
He is in bed and then looks down and yells “mommy, turn on your headlights.
The snake is going into the bush!
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
“Ever have an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”
“Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”
“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.”
“No problem,” spoke the Rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.”
With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door.
The farmer opened the door,and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.
He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him.
But a few minutes later the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replies,
“I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”
That leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Two football players were taking an important final exam.
If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ___.”
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer.
He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
“Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba.
“Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.”
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered,
“Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says,
“Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”
“Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same,
yeah, I would give the other one to you.”
So, they keep walking.
After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says,
“Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”
“Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of
those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking.
A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank,
“Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”