Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, “Who are you?” The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”

Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”

The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”

The surprised genie said, “You sure?

Most people wish for money, but okay.

Now your wife gets one wish.”

Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”

The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”

Dylan said, “No way!”

The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”

Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”

Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.

Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild s3x for the rest of the day with the genie.

When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.

She said, “Forty-five.” The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”

Now wipe that smile off your face.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.

Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word.  The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.

The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.

The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”

The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car.

Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.

He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.

While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.

The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing?

You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”

The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”