Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”

Student: “Meat!” Teacher: “Very good!

Now what does the pig give you?”

Student: “Bacon!” Teacher: “Great!

And what does the fat cow give you?”

Student: “Homework!”

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.

Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole.

They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.

Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!”

Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!”

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”

An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space,

when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said,

“I was going to park there!”

The man was a real smart alec and he said,

“That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”

“Well, this really upset the lady, even more,

So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked,

“What did you do that for?”

The little old lady smiled and told him,

“That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!