07/17/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20869
This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.
He goes up to one of the guys and says, ” I want to join the Mafia.”
The guy answers, ” You ever kill any one for money?”
Artie answers, “No.”
The guy says, ” Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money.”
So Artie says, ” How much will you pay me?”
The guy says, ” I’m not gonna pay you.”
Artie says, ” C’mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in.”
The guy says, ” Okay, I’ll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I’ll pay you a dollar.”
Artie says, ” Oh thank you, thank you!” and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she’s lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.
The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can’t out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.
In the morning paper the headlines read, ” ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!”
07/16/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20864
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
“If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?” she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
“You have 171 sheep,” said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, “if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?”
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. “You’re a blonde! Now give me back my dog.”
07/15/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20859
A Boeing 777 was lumbering along at just under 500 mph at 33,000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.
The young F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state-of-the-art radio, he told the 777 pilot, “Hey, Captain, watch this.”
He did a barrel roll, climbed straight up, then came screaming down with a sonic boom.
The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that.
The 777 pilot replied, “That was truly impressive, but watch this.”
The 777 chugged along steadily for about 5 minutes. Then the pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
The 777 pilot chuckled, “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll, and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five-star hotel paid for by the company.”
07/14/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20855
A woman doesn’t come home one night.
The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house.
The husband calls his wife’s 10 best friends.
None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn’t come home one night.
The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The wife calls her husband’s 10 best men friends.
Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
07/13/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20850
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
The wife was behind the wheel when a highway patrol officer pulled them over.
He said, “Ma’am, were you aware that you were speeding?”
Hard of hearing, the woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man shouted, “He says you were speeding!”
Then the officer said, “May I see your license?”
Again, the woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man shouted, “He wants to see your license!”
So the woman handed her license to the officer.
The patrolman glanced at it and said, “Ah, you’re from Arkansas. I spent some time there once. Went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever met.”
The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man shouted, “He said he knows you!”