Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.

“Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaims the brother.

“And why not?” asks Stan.

“Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?”

Stan says nothing.

The brother grows impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.”

Stan can’t take it anymore.

He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, “You’re sure you want a nephew?” ”

Yes,” the brother replies. “It would be an honor.” “Well, congratulations, you’re holding him.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows.

When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”

He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leans toward the pastor and hisses, “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispers, “She made me a better offer.”

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.

As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.

They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”

The husband says he can’t feel anything.

Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.

The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.

The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.

The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.

The baby is born.

The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.

“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.

I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.

They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.

I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’

Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”

Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.

Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian.

“Try these on,” she said.

Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.

“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian.

“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.

I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar!

You’ve been playing golf!”