Daily Joke: Jokes Library

While her husband was busy at work one day, a bored housewife took a lover into her bedroom for some illicit fun, completely unaware that her nine year old son was silently hiding in the closet. And when her husband came home unexpectedly, she desperately hid her forbidden lover in the very same closet. The boy now had company, and broke the ice by whispering into the man’s ear:

“Dark in here, isn’t it, sir.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s right outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “250 dollars.”

After a few weeks, it happened again – the boy’s father came home early, and the boy and the mom’s lover ended up in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “I really don’t.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “750 dollars.”
Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father said to his boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy said, “I can’t. I sold them.” The father asked, “How much did you sell them for?” The son said, “1,000 dollars.” The father said, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They went to church and the father alerted the priest, and made the little boy sit in the confession booth and closed the door.
The boy said, “Dark in here.”

The priest said, “Oh, don’t start that again!”

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, “OOh dad, there’s one.”

“No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.”

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, “Hey dad, she’s plenty big enough.”

“No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait.”

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her.”

“No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.”

“Why not?” asked the son.

“Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the engineer called to his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The government worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers’ Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started weeping bitterly.

The truck driver said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just that this day is the worst of my life…

“First, I fall asleep, and I get to my office late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, and head towards my car, I find out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”