Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die”.

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said: “Don’t sell that cow”.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father: “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers. “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willys are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree – mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

FEMALE ANSWER: The perfect woman. She’s the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

MALE ANSWER: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Adam, a very good looking successful man decided that it was his birthright to marry only a perfect and equally beautiful woman so that they would produce equally beautiful offspring. To achieve his goal, Adam went out to explore the world and look for the woman who would meet his high standards and with whom he could

After many months of searching on every continent, Adam came to a small farm in Switzerland and asked to stay there. The widowed farmer warmly brought Adam home and introduced him to his three daughters.
When they entered the room, Adam was astonished by their beauty … Each of the three daughters of the farmer was extraordinarily beautiful, and Adam decided that one of them would be his intended wife.

In the evening he told the farmer about his plans, and the happy father agreed that Adam would go on a date with each of his daughters to choose the one he liked best.

After meeting her first daughter, Adam approached her father and said: “She is really beautiful, but she has slightly crooked toes, it’s barely noticeable, but she is not for me.”

The father only shook his head, and the next evening Adam went out to meet his second daughter. When they returned, he told her father: “She is really beautiful but has a barely noticeable lazy eye, so she is not for me.”

On the third evening, Adam went out with the third daughter and when he returned he said to the father, “She’s perfect, she’s all I was looking for and I have to marry her right away!”

The wedding was planned quickly, and a few months later, Adam’s long-awaited firstborn was born.The new father came into the hospital room expecting to see his perfect offspring and was shocked when he saw that his child was hairy, ugly and not at all like him.

“How can it be???” he said to his father in law, standing next to him, “His mother and I are so beautiful!”

“Well,” replied the father in law, “she’s beautiful, but she was a bit pregnant when you met… really, barely noticeable…”

A newly wed fisherman’s wife sees her husband sleeping on the couch. Bored, she decides to take the boat on a ride around the lake. She goes forward a bit, then drops the anchor and reads a book in peace. A short while later, an officer of the coast guard appears and stops besides her.

“Good morning, ma’am, what are you doing?”

“I’m reading a book.” Answered the surprised woman. Couldn’t he see that, she thought.

“I’m afraid this is a no fishing area.” The officer notified her.

“I’m sorry officer but I’m not fishing, I’m clearly reading.”

“Yes but you can start at any second, you have all the right equipment. I’m going to have to take you to the station and fill out a complaint.”

“OK, but if you do that I will have to give my own complaint about you sexually assaulting me!”

“But..” splattered the surprised office, “I never touched you!”

“Yes that’s true,” Replied the woman, “but you can start at any second, you have all the equipment…”