Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Another year has passed
And we’re all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,

But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand
About ‘Living in the Past’.

We used to go to friends homes,
Football games and lunches.

Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn’t get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far.

Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall

But, now we never bother…
All the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up…
Before you’re too damn old!!

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, “You know I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.”

His friend looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say ‘WHO’S HORNY?!’

She always acts like she’s sound asleep. Works every time!”

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge.

The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.

The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he had returned with the manager.

Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied……. “The balcony.”

During King Solomon’s reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom.

The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy.

They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, “Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!”

The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, “Bring him the sword.”

The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, “Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!”

King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, “The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!”

The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, “My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!”

“Right!” King Solomon replied, “This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!”

A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.

“I hope you don’t mind,” she says in a dreamy voice, “but I feel much luckier naked…” and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked.  “Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!”

The roulette wheel stops on 13. “I won I WON!!!” Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement

She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.

The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: “Did she bet on 13?”

“I don’t know,” said the other dealer. “I thought you were looking…”

Conclusions:

1. Not every gamble relies on luck.

2. Not all blondes are stupid.

3. But men – are always MEN!