Daily Joke: Jokes Library

WOMAN’S DIARY

28 July, Saturday

‘Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him. I thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself – he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.

He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love – but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep. I think he’s planning to leave me. Maybe he’s found someone else…’

MAN’S DIARY

Saturday 28 July

‘My team lost today.

What a bummer.

At least I got some sex!’

Our story starts a few years ago, as a train is speeding along through the city. Four people sit in one of its compartments: A beautiful, vivacious young woman, an old, matronly woman, a poor man and a rich man.

Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the rich man is holding the side of his face in agony, while the poor man is grinning uncontrollably.

The old matronly woman thinks: “Now that’s a fine young woman, the poor man tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one – and rightly so!”

The young woman thinks: “Now that’s a strange rich man – he’d rather kiss that old hag than me.”

The rich man thinks: “Now that’s a smart poor man, he steals a kiss and I’m the one who gets slapped.”

The poor man is thinking: “Good, soon we’ll be through the tunnel, I’ll kiss the back of my hand again and slap that millionaire.”

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

“Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?

“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.

Then he asked “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?

“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.

He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moonchild”?

“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son… “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

My wife has a tendency to go off on random tangents sometimes.

In her atypical fashion, she decided that we both needed to get fit, so off we went on a backpacking holiday.

After eight days on a series of trails in the wilderness, my wife and I both started to look a little rough around the edges.

One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder-length hair sticking out at odd angles.

“Darling,” she said, “does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?”

I thought for a moment, then said: “If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?”

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:

“Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.

“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”