Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?’ ‘Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife.

“Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“Well you’re 75 years old now, Jack, why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” suggested his wife.

“But he’s 85 and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” his wife pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom.

Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.

A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same.

He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.

Finally, the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat.

But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.

The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, “Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were.”

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, “You sign! You sign!” Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, “You sign! You sign!”

Nelson says to him, “Look mate, you’ve obviously got the wrong bloke. Please leave”, and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling, “You sign! You sign!”

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: “Look, push off ! You’ve got the wrong bloke! I don’t want them!” Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, the same man is standing there thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting “You sign! You sign!” Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; “Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?”

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: “You not Nissan Maindealer?”

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo

He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

“Great,” Little Johnny replied.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”