Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman was driving through the countryside late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she came to an old farmhouse. Two men came out.

“Can we help ya, miss?”

“Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?”

“The town’s all shut up right now, but we can take you in the morning. You can spend the night with us.”

The woman thought: “Well, I really don’t have a choice. Besides, I can handle myself.” So she agreed.

“You know, miss, we’ve only got one bed in this house, so you’ll have to sleep with us…”

The woman thought to herself that she liked the look of these two country boys, and consented to sleep with them.

As they were taking their clothes off, the woman said, “By the way, you DO have protection, don’t you?”

“Protection? What’s that?”

“You know, condoms.”

“Well, what’re they for?”

“It’s so I don’t get pregnant.”

“We’re simple country folk, miss. I’m afraid we don’t know about those things.”

“Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them on.”

“Hmm… well, alright,” they said.

The three of them got into bed and did their thing all night. The next morning, the brothers drove the woman into town, where she got her car repaired, blew them a kiss, and drove off.

About a month later, the two brothers were sitting out on their porch watching the sun set, looking sweaty and uncomfortable. Suddenly, one of them turns to the other and says “Ed, do you remember that lady that drove through here about a month ago?”

“Yep.
She was real good, wasn’t she?”

“Yep.”

Say, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”

“Not really.”

“Well, then, let’s take these darn things off!”

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis, then they gave me hypodermics.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while.

I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis…

I don’t know how I pulled through it all. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

A man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill it up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

“What can I do for y’all?” asks the attendant. “Fill ‘er up with high test,” replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.

“What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.”

“Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.”

“What features does it have?” asks the attendant.

“Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine.”

“Wow,” says the attendant, “That’s really something!”

“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.

“That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

“What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant.

“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver.

“Wow,” says the attendant, “Those Cadillac people think of everything!”

A jumbo jet is on its final approach coming in to Toronto Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom.

“This is your Captain speaking. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto”.

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper, what you gonna do in Toronto?”

“Well,” says the skipper, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap … then I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner….. then I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give it to her big-time all night.”

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: “No need to hurry, dear. He’s gotta use the bathroom first.”

A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes.

He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running… And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him! He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw… and the atheist cried out, “Oh, God, no!”

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the man heard a booming voice say, “Young man. For years you’ve doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?”

And the man thought for a moment, and said, “Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?” And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, “Done.”

And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, “Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat.”