Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey. The way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.

Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?”

“Sure, have fun!”

Jim went on a gallop and was having the time of his life. “This horse sure can run.” He thought to himself. He was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead.

“STOP!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop.

“Yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered.

“HEYHEY!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Phew, thank God.”

We all become a little concerned as we begin to approach the half-way point in our lives. The truth is that it’s a reality everyone must experience, so we might as well look at it with a good sense of humor!

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full – of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it…

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself, and your chins follow suit.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream: “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!”

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the “big” questions – What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves… and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, they have wingspans… They are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, they are flying squirrels in drag.

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.

“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again. ‘It’s 5:25!” another jogger yells at him.

A 60-year-old millionaire was getting married and threw a big wedding reception.

The big day arrived, and he got married to his stunning 23-year-old bride in the vast garden of his 50,000-square-foot mansion.

Champagne was flowing and an enormous team of waiters was flitting about serving the finest hors-d’oeuvres in the land.

Naturally, the millionaire’s less wealthy friends couldn’t help but feel jealous.

In a quiet moment, one of them asked him how he landed such a young beauty.

“Simple,” grinned the millionaire, “I faked my age.’

His friends were really amazed and asked him how old he said he was.

“87!” he replied.

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

She used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned… how was it for you?”

The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”

The first man asked, “How’s that?”

“Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast… she farted and flew out the window!”