Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place.

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.

Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.

Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”

Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money.

Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar.

The beggar thanks him and moves on.

Kurt is annoyed by his friend’s act of charity.

“Why the hell did you do that?” yells Kurt.

“You know he’s only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!”

Desmond laughs: “What…and we weren’t?”

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.

“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.

“What kind of inscription?” she asked.

“Whatever you wish,” he explained. “But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”

“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place.”

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul the banker says to Morty, “So listen, Morty, you know I don’t swim so well.”

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, “So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?”

Saul replies, “Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!”

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow.

The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.

“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.”

“Why’s that?” asked the state trooper that was talking to him.

The farmer paused for a minute before he responded.

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d have decided to lower the highways.”