Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said “Man, how did this happen?”

The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature.

Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. “Oh,” exclaims the doctor, “The pain must have been excruciating!”

“It was,” said the hunter. “The second worst pain in my life.”

“Second worst? What could have been worse than that?”

“Coming to the end of the chain” said the hunter.

A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.

They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.

As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.

As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.

That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.

Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.

When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”

A confident woman goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb sees a beautiful antique lamp. Intrigued, she picks it up. And as she starts to rub the dust off of it, a genie pops out of the lamp and says, to her great wonder and surprise, “I want to know the person you hate the most!”

The woman says, “That’s gotta be my ex-husband. Why?”

“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-husband will get double that amount.”

“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”

“Granted, but your ex-husband gets two billion dollars.”

“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”

“Granted. So your ex-husband gets two, remember. Now make your final wish.”

The woman walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says: “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death with it.”

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of Whitey’s time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Whitey’s favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Whitey noticed old Brewster’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Whitey’s amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair… and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result…

The judges not only awarded Brewster the “No Bell Piece Prize” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.