Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans dick.

Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman.

The old woman’s distraught and yells, “WHAT’S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN’T!”

The old man smiles and says, “Parkinsons disease.”

Inside this 30-year-old actor lives Stanley the sperm cell along with about a million other sperm cells.

We focus on Stanley because, for once, he wants to be the sperm that fertilizes the egg.

He trains diligently every day. He swims around, lift weights, that kind of stuff.

An old sperm cell comes up to him and asks the reason for all the exercise and Stanley replies, “I want to fertilize the egg.”

The old sperm cell tells young Stanley that if he is the one to do this he must say, “Hi, I’m sperm.” to which the egg should reply, “Hi, I’m egg.” then you can fertilize it.

Stanley thanks him and the old sperm wishes him luck.

Finally, the big day comes. It gets warm and somewhat vibrantly inside and then they’re off.

Millions of sperm are swimming fiercely with none other than Stanley in the lead.

He’s so proud of himself.

As the distance between him and the other sperm grow, he notices a big red ball.

He knows this is the egg and he swims his heart out to finish the race.

He approaches the red ball and says, like the old sperm told him to, “Hi, I’m sperm.” the big red ball replied, “Hi, I’m tonsil.”

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar.

One is crying.

The other asks what’s wrong. “I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.”

The other drunk says “do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned.”

“Sounds like a great idea” says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says “look for yourself, there’s ten bucks in my shirt pocket.”

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

“Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you,” says the wife.

“He did,” says the drunk.

“But he shit in my pants too.”

Three babies are in their mother’s womb.

One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”

The next one says, “I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”

Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”

Two friends are having drinks when they get into an argument about who enjoys sex more.

The man says, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. We are completely obsessed with getting laid!”

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.

“Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better… your ear or your finger?”