Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three friends while touring Dubai happened to stumble into a harem tent filled with more than fifty beautiful women.

The guys start getting friendly with these exotic girls, when suddenly the sheik comes in.

In a furious tone he says “I am the master of these women. No one can touch them but me. You three men must pay for what you have done, and will be punished in a way that corresponds to your profession.”

With that, the sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a cop,” the man says.

“Then we will shoot your penis off!” says the sheik.

He then turns to the second man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a fireman,” says the second man.

“Then we will burn your penis off!” says the sheik.

Finally, he asks the third man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”

With a sly grin, the man says, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly contain myself. …

BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident… ” I just lost it.”

Van typically the fall guy in everyone’s jokes was one day surprised to receive an invite from one of his neighbors Koos. Koos was one of the local rich kids by inheritance.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, Koos said, “I have a 10 ft. man eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million bucks to anyone who has the balls to jump in.”

The words were barely out of Koos’ mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Van in the pool!

Van was fighting the croc and kicking its ass!

He was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of things like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

Both Van and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Van strangled the croc and let it sink to the bottom like a sick goldfish.

Van then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally Koos , the rich guy says, “Well, Van, I reckon I owe you a million bucks.”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Van Koos said.

“Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”

“No thanks. I don’t want it,” answered Van.

Koos said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and Rolex and some stock options?”

Van just said no.

Confused, Koos said, “Well, Van, then what do you want?”

Van answered, “I want the name of the smart ass who pushed me in the pool!”

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores: “A guy will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate.

“Satisfied that his wife had the instructions clear, the farmer leaves for town.

That afternoon, the inseminator arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

“This is the cow right here,” she tell him.

“What’s the nail for?” “I guess it’s to hang up your pants.”

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”

“Oh, no need to explain, “Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”

“Have you really?” said the photographer.

“Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”

“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”

After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”

“Bathtub, living room floor! No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”

“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”

“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

“This was done on the top of a bus,” he said…

“Oh, my Gosh!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well. When you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

“Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh… equipment?”

“It’s true, Ma’am, yes …

Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”

“Tripod?”

“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”

Mrs. Smith fainted!