Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two friends are having drinks when they get into an argument about who enjoys sex more.

The man says, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. We are completely obsessed with getting laid!”

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.

“Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better… your ear or your finger?”

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the Mother superior.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Mother,” says the nun.

“After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother superior again.

“Well, no.” says the nun.

“You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“IS THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed Mother Superior.

“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.”

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

Recently a “Husband Super Store” opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands…

First floor – The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.”

The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they went.

Second floor – The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Hmmm,” said the ladies, “But I wonder what’s further up?”

Third floor- This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” “Wow,” said the women, “Very tempting.” But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor – This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me,” they cried, “Just think what must be awaiting us further on!” So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor- The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs. “

An advertising team is working very late at night on a project due the next morning.

Suddenly, a genie appears before them and offers each of them one wish.

The copywriter says, “I’ve always dreamed of writing the great American novel and having my work studied in schools across the land. I’d like to go to a tropical island where I can concentrate, and write my masterpiece.”

The genie says, “no problem!” and poof! The copywriter is gone.

The art director says, “I want to create a painting so beautiful that it would hang in the Louvre Museum in Paris for the entire world to admire. I want to go to the French countryside to work on my painting.”

The genie says, “Your wish is granted!” And poof! The art director is gone.

The genie then turns to the account executive and says, “And what is your wish?”

“I want those two arseholes back here right now.”

An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying in silence for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

The old man answers,” “I’m playing fart football!”

A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”

After five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”

Furious about loosing, the wife rips another fat and yells out, “The score is tied!”

The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose.

He strains incredibly had but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed.

The wife hears the noise and asks. “What in the world was that noise?”

The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”