07/16/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13337
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was very attracted to him.
During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, “Oh… Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
“Here” she said, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood.
Tarzan stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for squirrel”
07/15/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13332
Three men died and went to hell.
When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replied “I have a drinking problem.”
So the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door.
He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, “I can’t stop cheating on my wife.”
The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door.
Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply “I’m a pot smoker.”
So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot.
In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says, “I will never drink again!” so the devil sends him to heaven.
He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says “I will never look at another woman again!” so the devil sends him to heaven.
Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face.
When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, “Hey man you got a light??”
07/14/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13327
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest, when they come across a talking mushroom.
The mushroom says “Alright you have found me! I will give you three wishes each.”
The bear said “I wish all the bears in the forest were females” so it happened.
The rabbit said “I want a really flash motorbike” so he got it.
“I wish all the bears in the country were females,” said the bear.
“I want a flash helmet to go with my bike,” said the rabbit.
“I wish all the bears in the world were females,” said the bear.
Then the bear ran off in a horny fit.
The rabbit said: “I wish the only male bear was gay”
07/13/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13323
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need a new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see …size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve and 16 and a half. Neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see… 9- ½ E.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said “Let’s see…size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
07/12/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13318
One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.
He starts saying things like: If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on, if my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on if my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog.
The bus driver got so mad, and asked “If your mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be?
The boy answered: “A bus driver.”