Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life…

as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”

THEN POOF! She was gone.

After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. “Fred, where are you?”

Fred yells back, “I’m over here, in the pussy willows.”

Dave yells back… “DON’T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON’T SWING!!!”

A blonde decides to make an experiment.

She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.

It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.

It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.

It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk.

Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk.

It doesn’t move so she comes up with a conclusion.

Spiders with no legs are deaf.

A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills.

So the guy asks

Guy: Hey bartender what’s all the money for?

Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on.

Guy: Oh yea, what is it?

Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, you have to go down to the end of the bar and knock that big fellow there out in one punch.

The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy.

Guy: Well, I think I could take him.

Bartender: Hold on there partner, there’s more. You see that door over there behind you?

Guy: Yea I see it.

Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and u got to yank it out.

The guy thinks for a little while and replies

Guy: You know what I’m not of afraid of any dog I could do that.

Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task.

Guy: Then hurry up and tell me!

Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull?

Guy: Yea

Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her.

Guy: I’M OUTTA THIS BET!

But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk.

He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on the table goes to the end of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch.

Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the pit-bull…he opens the door and steps in…all of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is the growling and barking of an angry dog.

The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the room.

Then after awhile the bartender hears the dog whimpering in fear and pain. Then the door opens…

The guy slowly crawls out of the room…his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are all bloody…the guy slowly gets up and looks at the bartender:

Guy: Now where’s the old bitch with the rotten tooth.

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory.

They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.

Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”

One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.

She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished.

One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”

After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.

They peeked at the bird.

At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”

A couple in the backyard. The wife bends over to pick something up.

Her husband looking at her behind says: “wow, your ass is bigger than the bbq!”

She gets upset and says; “no, it’s not.”

A bit arguing and he gets a tape measure.

He measures the bbq and her butt and…

Sure enough, her but is bigger than the bbq.

Silently she disappears into the house…that night – both in bed.

He moves toward her and wants to have some fun.

She says, “Do you think I’m going to fire up that big bbq for one little wiener???”