09/11/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13590
A man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’.
09/10/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13584
Geography of a Woman:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa – half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe – well developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain – very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece – gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain – with a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel – has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada – cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet – wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages … an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
Geography of a man:
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran – ruled by a couple of nuts.
09/09/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13577
There was a young couple very much in love.
On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated.
Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”
St. Peter looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married.
I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.”
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request.
The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back.
Again, the Lord God Almighty said, “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.”
This happened year after year, for ten years.
Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year.
In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again.
This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m.
We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful.
Then Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven’s denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn’t stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty.
Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, “Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven.
Do you have any idea how long it’ll take us to find a lawyer?”
09/08/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13571
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are … the dumber the person is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother replied, “The bigger they are … the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
09/07/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13566
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
“It’s Roger. The midget.”