Daily Joke: Jokes Library

RECIPE FOR TURKEY DRESSING

4 EGGS, BEATEN
7 CUPS POPCORN, UNPOPPED
2 CUPS BREAD CRUMBS
2 CUPS RICE
1 CUP CELERY
1 PACKAGE LIPTON ONION SOUP MIX

MIX ALL INGREDIENTS AND STUFF BIRD.
ROAST FOR 3 HOURS IN 350 DEGREE OVEN.
AT THE END OF 3 HOURS, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE
KITCHEN BECAUSE THE POPCORN IS GOING TO BLOW THE ASS OFF THAT BIRD!!!!

========================
Butterball always has a turkey hot-line that they man every  year to field questions about how to cook a turkey.

This one lady called and asked how long it’d take to  roast her bird.

The representative asked, “How much does it weigh?”

The lady replied, “I don’t know.  It’s still running around outside!”

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said, “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.

One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed.

Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”
The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”

The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”

The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret…”

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher,

was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave.

“No, Daddy, please don’t go!” he kept repeating.

We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, “Let Daddy go and I’ll take you to get a pizza.”

Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, “‘Bye, Daddy.

Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother.

On the way home, he looked through her bags to see  what she had purchased.

In one package, Little Johnny found some panty hose  and he began to sound out the words “Queen Size.”

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,

“Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”