09/05/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13558
An American traveling to Japan for business found himself with two extra days after business concluded earlier than expected. Being single and away from home for so long, he sought after female company which he found at a geisha house.
After selecting his partner, they proceeded to the room and undressed. As soon as the love session began, his female partner started softly whispering “Yakamoda”, Yakamoda”. Not knowing any of the language, he believed this was good and that she was enjoying the session as much as he was.
He proceeded to move faster now and the woman said with a firmer tone “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”. He was beside himself now spurred by the enthusiasm of his female partner and proceeded to imitate a rabbit he had seen on the discovery channel. She now screamed deep from her lungs “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”!
As he finished, he found that she had fainted so he collected his things and left.
The next day he found himself playing golf with one of his Japanese clients. It was a par 3, approximately 173 yards when his Japanese playing partner struck the ball which took flight, landed on the green and then rolled gently into the hole. Struck with excitement and at a loss for words, the American stated “Yakamoda” sir.
The Japanese gentleman looked at him strangely and stated “what do you mean wrong hole”?
09/04/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13553
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sis,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature…It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water… It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it… However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
09/03/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13547
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking,
“What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”
09/02/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13544
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn?t really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else???
His side of the story:
My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.
09/01/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13541
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.”
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”