09/10/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13584
Geography of a Woman:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa – half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe – well developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain – very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece – gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain – with a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel – has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada – cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet – wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages … an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
Geography of a man:
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran – ruled by a couple of nuts.
09/09/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13577
There was a young couple very much in love.
On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated.
Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”
St. Peter looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married.
I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.”
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request.
The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back.
Again, the Lord God Almighty said, “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.”
This happened year after year, for ten years.
Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year.
In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again.
This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m.
We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful.
Then Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven’s denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn’t stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty.
Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, “Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven.
Do you have any idea how long it’ll take us to find a lawyer?”
09/08/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13571
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are … the dumber the person is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother replied, “The bigger they are … the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
09/07/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13566
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
“It’s Roger. The midget.”
09/06/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13562
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur’s court. He had a long standing obsession – to nuzzle the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King’s chief physician.
Horatio said, “I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes”.
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion. He then poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and quickly grew in intensity.
When called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure his type of itch. He further explained that test had shown such saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master’s mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the Imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked passionately on the Queen’s magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur’s loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King…