08/21/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13502
Jesus starts the game. He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake. However, instead of sinking, the ball rolls on the surface of the water. Jesus walks on the lake, hits the ball, and gets it into the hole.
Next is Moses’ turn. He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake. But Moses raises his golf club and the waters of the lake divide. Moses walks between the two walls of water to the ball, hits it, and it gets into the hole.
Finally, the bearded man. He hits the ball as hard as he can, and it also heads straight towards the lake. However, a frog snatches it out of the air with its tongue and swallows it. An eagle dives at the frog and carries it into the air. Meanwhile, a hunter sees the eagle and fires a shot at it. The bullet hits the eagle, and it falls to the ground, right next to the hole. The frog coughs up the golf ball and it rolls into the hole for a perfect hole in one.
Moses grumbles and mutters to Jesus,
“I really hate playing with your dad.”
08/20/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13499
A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade class.
The boy said, “Teacher, I should be in 4th grade. I am smarter than my sister is & she’s in 4th grade”.
The Teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from the 4th grade.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Teacher to send the boy to 4th grade immediately.
The Teacher decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Teacher: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Teacher: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
Teacher: What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
Boy: A seatbelt.
Principal: Aaaah!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Teacher, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
08/19/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13493
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is poor and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. You’ll be at the back of St Peter’s Square and from that distance he’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”
He said, “Son. I’ve visited lands far and wide and met many people of all creeds. I’ve waved to millions of people from my balcony.
I’ve personally shook the hand of millions of people, but you must have the worst barber of them all.”
08/18/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13490
There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.
“How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter.
“This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman.
“But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.”
The old woman became irritated. “I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said.
“Why not?”, persisted the girl.
“Because this doll is cursed!”
“Well… That’s OK. I don’t mind.”
“I’m not going to sell it to you… But if you really must have it, go ahead and take it. It’s yours. But if something bad happens, don’t blame me.”
“Ah! Yes, thank you!” said the girl, smiling as she grabbed the doll and walked out of the shop.
The little girl was so delighted to get the doll for free that she ran all the way home, carrying it in her arms. When she got home to her apartment building, she went into the lobby. It was deserted. She stood there waiting for the elevator to arrive.
The doors opened and she stepped inside, clutching her new doll tightly.
The doors closed, but the elevator did not move.
The little girl got scared and began trembling with fear.
“OMG”, she thought to herself. “Is this the curse of the doll?”
Suddenly, she felt the doll move in her arms.
Ever so slowly, its head turned to face her.
The little girl wanted to scream but she couldn’t make a sound.
The doll’s eyelids fluttered and opened.
It stared at her with it’s lifeless glass eyes.
Then its mouth opened and it said, “Push the button to go up, bitch!”
08/17/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13487
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.
The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where’s the money? “
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, ” He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”