09/29/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13671
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replied, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing.”
The drunk muttered his response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
09/28/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13668
Two Women riding in an elevator in a very lavish and posh building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, at $180.
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, at $220.”
When they got to the third floor, the old woman had reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks at both beautiful women in the eye,
Farts, and then says…”Heinz Baked beans … $1.50
09/27/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13663
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.
The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher’s pet. He stood and said…
“My name is Dan,
and when I become a man,
I would like to go to Japan if I can,
and I think I can.”
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating,
“My name is Suzy,
and when I become a lady
I would like to have a baby if I can,
and I think I can.”
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said,
“My name is Johnny,
and I don’t give a damn about Japan
but I would like to help Suzy
in her plan if I can
and I think I can!”
09/26/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13660
Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He’s flying over Wonder Woman’s house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a
glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She’s lying there and squirming around looking real hot.
Superman was getting turned on looking at her, so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole’ in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all, I am Superman.
So, in he goes, wham-bam and he’s out of there.
Wonder Woman: “What the f*** was that?”
The Invisible Man: “I don’t know, but my arse hurts like hell.”
09/25/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13657
The manager of a ladies’ dress shop decided it was time to have a serious talk with one of her sales clerks. “Janet, your figures are well below any of our other sales clerks’. I’m sorry to say that unless you can improve your record soon, we will have to let you go.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” Janet humbly replied. “Is there any advice you could give me on how to do better?”
“There is an old trick I can tell you about,” the manager said. “It may sound silly, but it has worked for me in the past. Go through a dictionary until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it and work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate. You’ll be amazed at the results.”
Sure enough, Janet’s sales figures improved, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again and congratulated her. “Did you try my little trick?” she asked.
“Yes,” Janet nodded. “It took me an entire weekend to find just the right word, but I did … ‘Fantastic’.”
“‘Fantastic’. What an excellent word,” the manager said encouragingly. “How have you been using it?”
“Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, ‘Fantastic.’ She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A’s and was the most popular girl in her class. I said ‘Fantastic’ and she bought $450 worth of clothing.”
“My next customer,” Janet continued, “told me she was in charge of the Spring Ball at the country club and needed a new formal dress. I said ‘Fantastic.’ She went on to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said ‘Fantastic’ and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It’s been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying ‘Fantastic’, and they keep buying.”
“Excellent work, Janet,” complimented the manager. “Out of curiosity, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?”
“I used to say, ‘Who gives a sh*t!'” Janet replied with a shrug.