Daily Joke: Jokes Library

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blonde
virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her
new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.”
Almost in tears, she remarked,
“Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
To whom did you lend it, and for how long?”

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.

“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,“Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replies, “They are three million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!”

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her
doctor and says “Doc, I’m getting married this week-end and
my fiancée thinks I’m a virgin, is there anything you can do
to help me?”
The doctor says,
“Medically, no, but here’s something you can try…
On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed,
take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh.
When your husband enters you for the first time, snap the
elastic band and tell him it’s your virginity snapping.”
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be
will fall for it.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the
honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the
elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into
bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby “slips it in”,
she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams…
“What the heck was that!!?”
The wife explains,
“Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping”.
The husband cries out, “Well snap it again, it’s got my balls!!”

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her  to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s p3n!s.”.

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.

The pro said “That was excellent!!

Let’s try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.”