09/20/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13633
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an erection.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
09/19/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13628
Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts.
One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.
“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says.
The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets,
there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man”
The girl replies “awwwww you sweet old man” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.
The old man turns to his friend and says “3 to zip mugley, your turn”.
09/18/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13625
Psycologists say that there is one thing humans can never get right.
Hear someone on the phone and portray them exactly how they are.
So a guy dials a wrong number and a girl picks up. Now from her voice he starts to think that this girls is very pretty.
So he starts chatting with her about random stuff and they agree to meet.
Guy: Where do you wanna meet?
Girl: We’ll meet at the juice place.
Guy: Ok but how am I gonna recognize you?
Girl: I’ll be wearing *this* outfit.
Guy: Ok
Girl: How am I gonna recognize you?
Guy: I will be holding a glass of Mango juice
Girl: Ok. What time?
Guy 12 o’clock.
Girl: Ok. 12 o’clock it is.
So the guy goes to the juice place a little before 12 and asks the bartender, ”get me a Mango juice”
Bartender: Sorry Sir but we don’t have Mango juice today.
Guy: O’ come on give me an Orange juice then
Bartender: Sorry sir but we don’t have that either.
Guy: Okay give me something that looks like orange/yellow in colour
Bartender: Sir, we have Lemonade.
Guy: Lemonade? Yeah that will work
So he hold the glass of lemonade waiting for the girl.
She enters the place and the guy quickly recognizes her from the dress and says to himself, ”She ain’t pretty”
So he, you know, tries to ignore her.
She comes up to him and says, ”Are you Chris?”
Guy: Excuse me? Chris? No
Girl recognizes his voice: Yes you are.
Guy: No I am no Chris
Girl: Yes you are. We talked on phone. You said we’ll meet at this place.
Guy: Whats the matter with you woman? Does this look like Mango juice to you?
09/17/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13620
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: “Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
The lady started taking off her clothes…..
Doctor, stopping her: “No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue.”
09/16/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13617
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, “If I sold my house and my Car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my Money to the church, would that get me
Into heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed The garden and kept everything tidy, would That get me into heaven?”
Again, the answer was ‘No!’
By now I was starting to smile.
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and Gave sweets t o all the children and Loved my wife, would that get me
Into heaven?”
Again, they all answered ‘No!’
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven ?”
A six year old boy shouted,
“Yuv got tae be fuk*n’ dead”
Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye…