Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor. When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test. He complains about it but finally does it anyway. About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room. “Hey John, that tennis elbow is hurting?” Doctor asked. “Oh, the receptionist told you about it”? Asked John. The doctor says “No, no not at all. I bought a new urinalysis machine and it tells me everything.” “That’s bullshit” says John. The doctor assures him that it’s true and tells him to take some meds and come back in two weeks with another urine sample. The receptionist give John a specimen cup before he leaves.

Two weeks later John is getting ready to see the doctor but after telling his family about this bullshit machine they decide to play a joke with the old doctor. John pisses in the cup and so does his wife and teen age daughter, then he jacks off into it. As he is in the garage he puts a couple drops of oil from his dip stick into the cup and then shakes everything up.

He gets to the office and hands the specimen cup to the receptionist with a big smile on his face. This time it takes 30 minutes for the doctor to call him and the doctor looks very upset when he calls him. The second the get into the room the doctor says ” Alright Asshole, your daughters pregnant, your wife has VD, your cars about to throw a rod and if you don’t stop jacking off your tennis elbow is never going to heal”

A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?” Confused, the girl asks, “Why do ask?”

The doc chuckles, “I’m not just a doctor, I’m also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It’s mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin.”

“Not bad doc!” she says. “Not bad at all!”

“Well…” says the doctor. “Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?”

She smiles and explains, “Nope, but I’ve got a girlfriend from Michigan!”

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. “Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing.”

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.  The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. “Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing!”

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.  The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some dickhead put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women’s bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will disappear in a poof.”

Excited to try this mirror out, the women rush to the restroom. The brunette decides to show off and claim she is the most beautiful girl there. “I think I’m the most beautiful person at this restaurant.” A million dollars appears in her hands.

The redhead is feeling a little offended. She decides to show off how smart she is: “I think I’m the smartest person in this restaurant.” The keys to a lamborghini magically show up in her purse.

The blonde, super excited to get something really cool, starts to tell the mirror something: “I think–” poof. she is never seen again

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.

Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”

Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”

Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”

Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.

Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”

The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies

Ex Husband: “if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?”