Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning:

“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back:

” Gently pours some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer.”

Wife texts back 10 minutes later:

“Computer really messed up now.”

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down, okay?

Well, then, I’m getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment.

It’s really a basement room, and it’s kind of cute.

He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my “down there” but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease and there is no miscegenation in my life. However, I am getting a “D” in history and an “F” in science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter, xxx

A man called his doctor, and said “doc”, you gotta come
over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower,
and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight
up her ass.
The doctor said,” okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside
of her ass until I get over there”.
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to
see the man holding a big fish up to her ass instead of cheese.
the doctor said, “what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese”.
The man said, “I did what you said, and it almost worked,
but when the mouse started to come out,
the cat chased it right back up there!

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.  Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it nearly always turned out they had had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits’ end trying to control them and after hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk to them.
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.

So the mother sent him to the priest.The priest sat the boy down across from the huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “Where is God?” The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, “Where is God?”

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief and quickly said, “We are in big trouble!”
The older boy asked, “What do you mean, big trouble?” His brother replied, “God is missing and they think we did it!”

A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road,
but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles
each day.
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day
I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”