Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A Dad and a Son were watching TV downstairs.

The Dads feet started getting cold.

So he sends his Son upstairs to get his slippers.

When he gets to the top he sees two of his sisters friends on her bed.

He then says,”My Dad sent me up here to sleep with you both”.

They then replied with,”No he hasn’t, you’re lying for sure”.

The Son says,”He has…and I can prove it,” so he shouts,”DAD, YOU DID SAY BOTH OF THEM, DIDN’T YOU?”.

His Dad then shouts back,”OF COURSE I DID WHATS THE POINT IN FUCKING ONE”.

I went for a Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter.

He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a Kamikaze pilot and his Code Name was ‘Chow Mein’.

I said “correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?”

To which he replied, “Yes but I was Chicken Chow Mein.”

The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.

“Now what about the butler” the rich woman said?

“A set of wine glasses” the maid suggested?

The woman frowned icily.

“He doesn’t really need that. A butler never entertains. He’ll get a tie”.

The maid grimaced, but said only, “What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl”?

The woman frowned again. “She doesn’t really need a new dress. She’ll only get in trouble. We’ll get her another apron”.

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer’s arrogance when they reached her husband.

“I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam”? the maid replied.

“Of course”, the woman replied.

“Then what about three more inches”? said the maid.

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date
and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother;
“Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful
and don’t you ever let him;
1.) kiss your lips.
Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,
2.) or touch your breast.
They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and
3.) never ever to touch your “private” part.
That one is like a “GRILL” and will burn everything coming
to touch it.”
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits
and waits until just after midnight when she’s back.
“How was it?” asks mom.
“Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I’m in love!”
“Lets not go too fast dear.
And did he tried to come too close?”
“Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely
careful not to hurt or harm me!”
“What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?”
“Not exactly mom, see it was like that.
First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said,
and he stopped.
Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what
you said, and he stopped.
Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part,
and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands
out and said; “What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of
“Fillet” and would love to put it in your “Grill” to cook!!”
“WHAT?!?” screams the mother,
“I knew that bastard is no different to the others.
You hopefully stopped him there too, didn’t you?”
“Well, not really mom.
You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to
“burn” his fillet.
Every now and then he took it out and had me “taste it”
to see if it was cooked or not.”

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce;  smooth and sophisticated.”

The second said, “Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.”

The third said, “Mine is like an old Chevy.

It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”