Daily Joke: Jokes Library

As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him. “Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.” Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him. “Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three questions. Would that be alright?” Forrest nodded.

“Ok, Forrest, how many seconds are in a year?” Forrest thought for a moment and confidently answered “twelve”. Saint Peter was befuddled. “12?! You believe there are 12 seconds in a year?? Please explain.” Forrest replied. “Well, there’s January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, Apr-“ Saint Peter interrupted Forrest, “ok, I suppose you’re technically correct. That will do.” Forrest cracked a smile.

“Alright, Forrest, how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?” Forrest thought for a moment, furrowed his brow a bit, and then replied “four”. Saint Peter, again taken off guard, says to Forrest, “4?! How on Earth do you get 4??” Forrest looks Saint Peter in the eye and said, “well, you got Tuesday, Thursday, Today, and Tomorrow.” Saint Peter nearly fell over with incredulity. “Ok, I suppose that’s also technically correct.” Forrest’s smile grew.

“Ok, Forrest, lastly, what is God’s real name?” Forrest thought about the question, his brow wrinkled, a little bit of sweat began to form on his forehead. Then, Forrest’s eyes grew and he said, with booming authority, “Andy! God’s real name is Andy!” Saint Peter slammed his hands down onto the podium, “ANDY?! How, please tell me, did you arrive at ANDY!?” Forrest looked Saint Peter dead in the eye and said “Like the song says, ‘Andy walks with, Andy talks with me-“ Saint Peter sheepishly looked at Forrest and said “welcome to Heaven, Mr. Gump.”

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

“Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million … and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony — a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt. The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.

She gave him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Oh my, he sounded sooo sensual! thought the old lady. Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I want is s_x. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night — tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?” asked the old lady.

“That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

Little Billy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a b_tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b_tch is nine.”

In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying.

“Billy, what are you doing? Why are you saying that?”

Little Billy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”

She said, “And is that what your teacher taught you?”

He replied, “Yes.”

The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Billy’s school to talk to the teacher.

The mother said to his math teacher, “I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math?”

The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition problems.”

Billy’s mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b_tch is four?”

When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, “Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.”

One day a man was walking through the forest when he encountered a goblin.

The goblin shouted at the man and said: “Foolish mortal, you trespass on sacred grounds! You know not the danger that hides within these hallowed woods!”

The man happened to be Neil deGrasse Tyson, famed astrophysicist and general man of science.

Neil responded simply, “This is a public park,” and to that the goblin let out an exasperated gasp and retorted, “Well, I have a magical patch of dirt. I swore on my life to protect it.”

Neil, bemused, responded, “This is public property, you can’t own any of it.”

“BUT IT’S MINE! THE PATCH OF DIRT IS MINE!” The goblin screeched back, his voice devolving into a hiss. “And I will protect my patch of dirt! Since you cannot be persuaded, I will lay defenses to protect my patch of dirt!”

“You, human, should not be able to pass these defenses, but, if you do… and you THREATEN MY PATCH OF DIRT, then… I will CURSE YOU!”

The goblin disappeared suddenly as Neil dwelled upon the goblin’s choice of words, musing the word “defenses” repeatedly as he continued his walk through the forest.

Eventually, Neil came across a wall, stretching for miles and spanning the entire woods.

The wall was made of burning bricks, unnaturally luminous and searing to the touch. Neil realized that the goblin was serious and this was the first defense he had laid.

The wall was designed to be impassible but Neil overcame the obstacle with ease, as the wall was impassible only to goblins and was short enough for an average sized human to step over.

Neil continued for another mile before reaching the next defense.

This time, it was a deep chasm stretching for miles, cursed so anything that dipped below ground level would freeze instantly, and so unthinkably deep that anything that fell in would surely shatter at the bottom.

The chasm was designed to be impassible but Neil overcame the obstacle with ease, as the chasm was impassible only to goblins and was narrow enough for an average sized human to step across.

Neil continued for another hour before reaching the final defense.

It was another wall, also spanning the length of the entire forest, but was this time merely invisible.

The wall was designed to be impassible but Neil overcame the obstacle with ease by tripping over it; like the other defenses, it was designed for goblins and was so short that Neil did not even realize there was a wall at all.

Neil continued for some time, wondering when he would find the next defense.

He became more wary as he started to notice changes in the scenery. The trees were alien, bearing strange fruit that resembled a cow’s udders. The leaves changed from shades of green to impossible shades of pink and blue and fantastic colors in between. Even the scent of the forest, the chill of the air, and the color of the late afternoon sky felt foreign.

This development troubled Neil, but he remembered that as a man of science, he had a commitment to human knowledge and understanding and decided to press on.

In minutes, Neil finally came to a clearing in the woods, which was dominated by a massive mound of dirt. Atop the mound was the goblin, thoroughly engrossed in eating one of the strange, succulent alien udder fruits.

Neil watched for some time before the goblin looked up and screamed, “YOU BREACHED MY DEFENSES! HOW DARE YOU?! YOU MUST NOT TRESPASS UPON MY PATCH OF DIRT! I PROMISE YOU WILL BE CURSED UNLESS YOU DARE RETURN TO THE FROM WHERE YOU CAME!”

Offended by the goblin’s threat, Neil pressed on and walked upon the patch of dirt for science.

The goblin immediately threw the udder fruit to the ground, leaped up, and perched in a tree, ripping off a branch and fashioning it into a wand to focus the magic of the forest. He struggled with the branch but was able to cast his curse upon Neil before he was able to finish his crossing.

Neil was gripped by a wave of energy and reeled from the pain, an overwhelming sensation, feeling as if his skin was evaporating from his body. The sensation was so exhausting that Neil blacked out.

He woke up hours later, the forest now devoid of color as the world was bathed in moonlight. He was still in the clearing and could make out the udder-shaped fruits in the trees, but the goblin and the mound of dirt were gone.

Neil had a dull pain throughout his entire body and knew that it was a result of the goblin’s curse. Seeing the moon’s reflection in a lake, he ran for the shore so that he may see his reflection.

He looked at the reflection of his face, then at his hands, and at his reflection again before realizing that he had undergone a metamorphosis: Neil deGrasse Tyson was now green.

His skin, eyes, hair, and even his internal organs had taken on a vibrant green color. When he returned home, he found that all of his clothes and furnishings had turned green as well.

Neil never saw the goblin again and resumed his life as normal. He continued to give lectures and host television programs, though was frustrated by a new compulsion to only buy and receive green things. Critics took to calling him a “little green man” while his fans called him the “green science guy.” His newfound color hardly had an effect on his career and he ultimately came to forget about his experience in the forest.

This story was first envisioned a few years ago and until now was only known to a few friends due to its length. It is called “The Greatest Joke in the World” because, like all great jokes, it has a moral. To justify the joke’s title, the moral of this particular story is the greatest moral of all, and is as follows:

deGrasse is always greener on de udder side of defense.