Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus.

The predominant questions this term pertain to getting into E-mail and how to access the Information Highway.

An obviously distraught student came to the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn’t working. His attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.

He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

He replied, “The sign advertising the concert said, ‘begins@7:30PM.’”

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition.

Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.

They hired a fine author.

Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared.

It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for a press conference and he declared that he was releasing his last model, which would be the pinnacle of security and longevity. Reporting on his announcement, the stations decide to spice things up by claiming that he had announced a model that no one could damage.

Many took this as a challenge and took the simple route of posting pictures of dented hoods. Despite not having anything to do with the claim, the designer himself rose to answer this indignity! He designed a new chassis that would not be dented even in moderate collisions and released a limited edition variant of this last model.

This time the press doubled down on how invulnerable this 33rd generation model, version 2, was. Immediately people began posting images of shattered windows. He responded by releasing a new version with windows coated in a special polymer, which prevented the glass from shattering except during the worst of collisions.

This dance continued, each new iteration taking just over half a year.

Version 3, never broken… electrical wiring cut… wireless communications between isolated systems.

Version 4, always whole… breached fuel tank… micro fusion reactor.

He released version upon version to protect his pride.

As he approached the age of 70 he called for another press conference, hinting that this was to be the last work he ever did. This time around, the seats were packed with as many could fit within the venue. Entering to a standing ovation he looked a lot older than last time. Slowly he approached the podium, took a deep breath, and said only one thing: “No Kia 33 10 is indestructible!”

A State Government Employee sits in his office, and out of boredom decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

“This would look nice on my mantelpiece,” he thinks, so he takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

“I wish for an ice-cold diet Pepsi right now!” POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. “I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He then tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.” POOF! He’s back in his government office.