Daily Joke: Jokes Library

John goes to the deli for some soup. After he’s seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.

When the waiter comes he says, “Taste this soup.”

The waiter says, “Why what’s wrong with the soup?”

John says, “Taste this soup.”

The waiter says, “John, you’ve come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you’ve never complained before.”

John says, “Taste this soup.”

The waiter says, “What? What is it? If you don’t want the chicken soup we have other kinds – vegetable, Italian Ministrone?”

John says, “Taste this soup!”

The waiter finally agrees, “Fine John, fine! I’ll taste the soup”.

He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, “Where’s your spoon?”

“Exactly,” says John, “Where’s my bloody spoon?”

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you.”

There are two polite people having dinner together in a restaurant. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.

They politely say to each other, “You may choose first.”

“No, you may choose first.”

And this goes on for a while.

Then the first person says, “OK, I’ll take first.”

And he takes the BIG piece of fish.

The second person, “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”

The first person says, “Which piece would *you* have taken?”

The second person replies, “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”

The first person says, “Well, that’s what you have now!”

A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

“Gosh!” exclaimed the new bride. “You certainly have a dangerous job. Don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?”

“Yes, on rare occasions,” answered the handler.

“Well,” she continued, “just what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?”

“I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound.”
“What, uh… what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?” persisted the woman.

“Ma’am,” answered the snake handler, “that will be the day I learn who my real friends are.”