Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman from Michigan and another from the East coast were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from Michigan, being friendly and all, said, “So, where are you from?”

The East coast woman said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”

The woman from Michigan sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, “So, where are you from, you silly b!tch?”

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he’d eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they’d ever seen.

“Now see here,” the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. “Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?”

“Yes, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting by the window.”

A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light.

The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!”

The officer calmly told him of his violation.

The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.

The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put “AH” in corner and then handed it to the man to sign.

The man demanded to know what “AH” meant.

The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an a$shole!” and then returned to his cruiser.

The violator’s a bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him.

The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make?”

“Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH.'”

“What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer?”

“Aggressive and hostile, sir.”

“Aggressive and hostile?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for ‘A$shole’?”

The officer grinned, “Well, sir, you know your client better than I!”

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks, “What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”

“Not a chance!” replies the barkeep.

“Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So, the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, “I win!”

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

“Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “then depress the trigger to release the foam.”

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?”

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin…. and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.