Daily Joke: Jokes Library

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn’t been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his wife, “Dear, I think I’ve come up with the perfect sermon! I’m going to give a sermon about horseback riding!”

She said, “Don’t be silly! You can’t give a sermon about horseback riding!”

He replied, “Well, it’s going to have to do because I’ve preached on just about every other subject I can think of.”

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, “I can’t believe that you’re insisting on doing this! You know, if you’re going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding,

I’m just going to stay in the car during the service.”

He said, “OK, then, suit yourself!”, so she stayed in the car.

Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just had the congregation in awe.

As the congregation filed out of the church, some of he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window.

One of them said, “Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband has EVER given!”

She said, “Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he’s only tried it twice in his life! “Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!”

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is… ” I don’t have to write that down, I’ll remember it”.
I don’t have gray hair… I have “wisdom highlights”! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering… did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”
The second bull is to be sold, “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?”
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale, “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about you?”
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”

After 15 years of not having s3x, an old couple finally decide that it’s about time they did something about their s3x life.
After much deliberation they decide to have a nudist day, they will walk around the house all day with nothing on, and just see what happens.
The next day comes and they decide to have breakfast round the kitchen table without a scrap of clothing on.
After a little while the old lady turns to here husband and says, “By jove I think this is working, I’m getting really turned on!!”
They old man replies, “Well how do you mean love?”
His wife says, “Well I’m getting all hot… my n!ppl3s are red hot!!!”
He replies, “Well I’m not bloody surprised woman! You’ve got one n!pple in your coffee and the other in your porridge!”

Moms will be Moms… Doesn’t matter who you are. Here is some Mom talk.

Issac Newton’s mother – “But did you wash the apple before eating it?”

Archimedes’s mother – “Didn’t you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

Thomas Edison’s mother – Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed !!!”

Abraham Lincoln’s mother – “Now that you have become President for heaven’s sake get rid of that shabby tailcoat and stovepipe hat, and buy yourself a decent outfit.”

James Watt’s mother – “If you just keep watching that damn lid lifting and dropping, rice will be burnt. Turn off the stove now.”

Alexander Graham Bell’s mother – “You have installed this new silly thing in the house alright, but I do not want girls calling you at odd hours.”

Galileo Galilei’s mother – “What use is seeing that goddamn moon with your telescope if it does not help me to see my mother in Milano.”

Samuel Morse’s mother – “Make sure your school report card doesn’t have only dashes and dots.”

Mona Lisa’s mother – “After all that money your father and I spent on your braces, is that the best smile you can give us ?”

Michelangelo’s mother – “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling ?”

Albert Einstein’s mother – “Can’t you do something about your hair ? Use styling gel or something?”

Bill Gates’s mother – “You keep browsing all day long; watch out if I ever catch you on any adult web-site.”

Danial Fahrenheit’s mother – “Stop playing with boiling water and let me make tea.”

Georg Ohm’s mother – “I don’t like you resisting everything I say.”

Robert Boyle’s mother – “If your volume is really inversely proportional to pressure, you must be having a constipation. Take a laxative.”

Alessandro Volta’s mother – “It is shocking to see you all the while dipping those copper and zinc rods in that beaker.”

Andre Ampere’s mother – `Apart from fooling around all the time shall you ever find time to glance through your current books!”

Socrates’s mother – “If you keep drinking from any cup, it is not necessary that you will also survive like Meera Bai.”

Christopher Columbus’ mother – “I don’t care what you were busy discovering and where, you could still have dropped a two line letter!”

Dedicated to All Mothers, But for Whom The Human Civilisation wouldn’t Have Progressed.