Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Kevin gets a New Secretary.

A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions.

Emma (Kevin’s wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?”

Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice.”

Emma: “What color are her eyes?”

Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check.”

Emma: “What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?”

Kevin: “Not a clue in the world.”

Emma: “Does she have a local accent?”

Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.”

Emma: “How does she dress?”

Kevin: “Very quickly.”

Kevin’s funeral will be held on Tuesday.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh, no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “and if the damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today.”

Dad: “I want you to marry a girl of my choice.”

Son: “No.”

Dad: “The girl is Bill Gate’s daughter.”

Son: “Then Ok!” **

** Dad goes to Bill Gates. **

Dad: “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates: “No.”

Dad: “My son is the CEO of the World Bank.”

Bill Gates: “Then ok!”

**Dad goes to the President of the World Bank. **

Dad: “Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank.”

President: “No!”

Dad: “He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.”

President: “Then OK.”

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,” I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” said the attorney, “I’ll get it for you.”

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

T‌‌eacher: “‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?”

J‌‌ohnny: “‌‌Seven.”

T‌‌eacher: “‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully… I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?”

J‌‌ohnny: “‌‌Seven.”

T‌‌eacher: “‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo a‌‌pples, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo a‌‌pples a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?”

J‌‌ohnny: “‌‌Six.”

T‌‌eacher: “‌‌Good. N‌‌ow i‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?”

J‌‌ohnny: “‌‌Seven!”

T‌‌eacher: “‌‌Johnny, w‌‌here i‌‌n t‌‌he h‌‌eck d‌‌o y‌‌ou g‌‌et s‌‌even f‌‌rom?!”

J‌‌ohnny: “‌‌Because I‌‌’ve a‌‌lready g‌‌ot a‌‌ f‌‌reaking c‌‌at!”