Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian’s.

One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked, “What are you in here for, buddy?”

“I’m in big trouble,” he said. “My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the seats. Now he’s having me put to sleep.”

“I know how you feel,” said the second dog. “My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn’t help myself–I crapped all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They’re having me put to sleep, too.”

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.

“So what are you in here for?” they asked.

“Well,” said the third dog. “My owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!”

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, “So she’s having you put to sleep too, huh?”

“No,” said the third dog. “I’m having my nails clipped.”

My neighbor has been complaining that my dog has been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar, that way when the dog barks, it shot out a blast of citronella under their nose and they don’t like it. This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella…And that’s where my morning should have ended. But no, it’s me, and I began to become curious as to how said collars work.
Now I’m standing in my backyard “barking” at my dog’s collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it’s turned on, check the fill level, and go through the “getting started” check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I’m not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did; I put on the collar. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.

I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue to squirt bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity.I’m now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is now barking. So between coughing and yelling at the dog to shut up, I’ve emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I’m trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that crazy (inhumane) thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this probably the dumbest thing I’ve done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! She was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe. Between gasps, she tells me,”I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you’d set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn’t make it” So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok,we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn’t be smelling like ode de’ Tiki Torch.

So lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that 1. Don’t fill the collar before trying to set it off and B. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I won’t have a mosquito problem for a few days!

A woman passed her daughter’s room n heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi brator.

Shocked, she asked why??

The daughter replied: mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. So Please,leave me alone.

Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene.

To his query,the daughter again said: dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone.

A couple days later, the wife came home from  shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room.

On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vi brator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: What the fvck are you doing?

The husband replied:Im here Watching Some football with my son-in-law.

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip.
Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she
volunteered to take over for him one weekend.
She got everyone together and assigned different
duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies,
Mike would be the cook this trip,
Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making
up a time schedule,
Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into
Johnnie’s schedule and Sally would test all their equipment
before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their
first event hiking up the mountain.
But first, they wanted to get something to eat.
So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and,
of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally,
“I can’t make the supper.
I can’t light a fire with the matches you brought.”
Sally replied, “I don’t understand!
Those matches should be perfectly fine.
I tested them all just before we left.”

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he said.