12/24/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15534
A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says “piano player wanted”
He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he’d like to apply for the job.
The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he’s got.
The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard.
He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.
Deeply moved, the manager asks him what the name of the piece is.
The man says “Well it’s an original work of my own composition. I call it the I fvck your sister in the a$$ and came all over her bosom in D minor.”
Slightly taken aback, the manager says, “Oh. Do you know any other songs?”
The man plays another one even more beautiful than the first.
The manager excuses himself to step outside and collect himself.
When he comes back, he asks for the name.
The man tells him it’s another original he calls “How the hell did I get dog shit all over my nuts blues.”
“Look.” The manager says, “I’m going to hire you because quite frankly, you’re the best piano player I’ve ever heard.
On one condition though; never tell the patrons the names of the songs you’re playing.”
The man agrees, they shake hands, and he starts that very night.
He’s killing it on the stage while the customers are both enjoying their dinner and being moved to tears at his masterful playing.
At one point in his set, he has to go to the bathroom.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be taking a short intermission. Please enjoy your dinner and I will be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and takes his piss.
In his rush to get back to the stage, he forgets to pull his pants up as he rushes out of the bathroom.
As he’s walking out the door, a guy is coming in and tells him “Hey. Do you know your pants are down and your manhood is hanging out?”
“Know it?” The man says, “What do you think I’ve been playing the last twenty minutes?”
12/23/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15531
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.
“Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey.
Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
12/22/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15528
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”
12/21/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15524
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald’s that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking: “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.” As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the old lady: “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered … “The teeth.”
12/20/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15521
A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…
They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town.
Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night.
When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn.
The farmer goes to bed inside, and was on the verge of sleep when he hears a knock at the door.
Slightly annoyed, he goes and opens the door.
The Hindu is at the door with his bedroll and says: “My deepest apologies, but I’ve just realised there is a cow in the barn. In my religion, cows are sacred and I learned growing up that it is presumptuous to sleep on the same ground as them. Would you mind if I slept inside?”
The farmer is understanding and allows him to sleep in a spare room.
He goes back to bed and is again on the verge of sleep when another knock arrives.
Disgruntled, he goes to the door and finds the Muslim there with his bedroll.
The Muslim says: “I’m terribly sorry but I’ve realised there is a pig in your barn. In my religion we consider pigs to be unclean, and I feel it would be impious of me to sleep on the same ground as one. May I sleep inside?”
The farmer is frustrated, but again understand and allows the Muslim in.
Only the lawyer is left in the barn. Once more, the farmer is on the verge of sleep but hears a knock at the door. Furious, he stomps to the door, throws it open and is on the verge of shouting when he is brought up short. The cow and the pig are at the door.