12/29/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15547
An atheist was walking through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze.
The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.” “Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice. The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:”Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.
12/28/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15544
“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone.
“The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed.
“Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptom she has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it too.”
“S@n of a bxtch!” the physician roared.
“That means we’ve all got it!”
12/27/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15542
Adam and Eve are walking through the Garden of Eden for the first time.
They marvel at the beauty.
Waterfalls, beautiful plants, trees, and animals, and an incredible sky are the things they look at and enjoy.
Adam looks past God and sees a woman standing there.
With Eve next to him, he wonders who it is.
He asks God “who is that standing there?”
God turns and Queen Elizabeth II smiles and waves at him.
God turns back to him and says “I have no clue. She was here when I got here!”
12/26/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15540
His wife asks him “So what happened?”
The husband explains “I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself ‘what would happen if I stuck my manhood inside the pickle slicer?’”
The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn’t know what to say next. Eventually she says to him “That was an incredibly stupid and unsafe thing to do but at least you’re all in one piece.”
The husband appreciates his wife’s response and says “I suppose you’re right.”
To lighten the mood the wife asks cheerfully “So what happened to the pickle slicer?”
The husband takes a moment and says “Oh, she was fired too.”
12/25/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15537
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
the young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”