01/03/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15558
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims…
“Wow, what a great chest you have!”
“He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”
01/02/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15555
The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
“Mom, I’d love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days.”
“Oh I don’t know, airfare is so expensive these days.”
“Mom, I’ll fly you out on Air Force One!”
“Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous.”
“Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here.”
“But accommodations, especially during the inau—”
“MOM!! I’ll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!”
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
“Who was that?”
“My son.”gasp
“The doctor??”
“No, the other one.”
01/01/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15553
An American, an Indian, and a Russian end up in Hell and plead to the devil that they don’t belong here.
The devil, bored, makes them an offer: “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it.
The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation.
The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives.
The Devil is amazed and tells him he’s free to go.The Indian asks, “May I stay and watch?
In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time”.
The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: “So, what will you use as a shield?”
The Russian replies, “The Indian, of course”.
12/31/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15551
Did you hear about the shy guy who called an escort service? Well, a beautiful woman knocked on his hotel door and he let her in. He tells the lady, “I must tell you ma’am that I’m hung like a baby.”
Instantly she likes the poor guy and says, “now don’t you worry. When I’m done with you, you’re gonna feel like a man. Now you just go and get undressed and crawl into bed there and I’m going to freshen up in the restroom but I’ll be right out, ok?”
Well, he shrugs his shoulders and did as she asked. A few minutes later the door to the bathroom opens and there stands this incredible, stunning woman.
She goes over to the bed and crawls in and isn’t there for but just a few seconds when she screams, throws back the covers and looks at the guys p3n!$!
“I thought you said you were hung like a baby?” She asked…
He answered, “I am! 8 lbs. 21 inches!”
12/30/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15549
Little Johnny says, “All right. I got one. There’s a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand.
He says ‘Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!’ The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen.”
“Oh my,” the teacher gasps with a horrified look on her face.”So the chicken takes the BMW, backs it up near the quicksand, throws a rope to the horse, ties it up to the bumper and pulls the horse out.
The horse is so very thankful.” “What happened next?” the teacher asks, feeling relieved.”
A couple days later… the chicken falls into the same quicksand and says, ‘Hurry up! Hurry up! Go get the farmer!’
So the horse thinks to himself, ‘Well… I could probably stand over this quicksand.’ So, he stands over it and says to the chicken, ‘Grab hold of my pen!$ ‘
So the chicken grabs hold of the horse’s pen!$ and gets pulled out.”
The teacher is suddenly weirded out by the direction the story is going and asks, “Umm… Johnny? That’s nice and all, but what’s the moral of the story?”
Without hesitation, Johnny responds with, “The moral of the story is: if you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.”