Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine once and looking outside from his car’s windows. Suddenly, he saw two men along the roadside, and upon close observation, he saw that they were busy eating grass.

The lawyer was very disturbed to see such a sight, and he ordered his driver to stop the car right away. As soon as the limousine stopped, he stepped out to investigate the matter.

“Why are you eating grass?” asked the wealthy lawyer to one of the two men.

The poor men were startled to see the lawyer and his limousine, and one of them replied to his question, “We don’t have any money for food, so we have to eat grass.”

The wealthy lawyer was moved by the poor men’s desolate condition and wanted to help them however he could. So he looked at them with a smile on his face and said, “Well, then. You can come with me to my house, and I’ll feed you.”

Upon hearing the lawyer’s offer, the poor men were relieved. However, one of them was busy processing his thoughts, and he said to the lawyer, “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” replied the lawyer.

He then turned to the other poor man and said, “You can also come with us.”

The other man was struggling with something as well and proceeded in a pitiful voice, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” said the wealthy lawyer.

So eventually, the two poor men entered the limousine with their families, which was a cumbersome task, even for a car as large as the limousine. The wealthy lawyer then asked his driver to get going.

On their way, one of the poor men was very impressed with the lawyer’s act of kindness and wanted to thank him. So he turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

“Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!” replied the lawyer.

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell. “Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” He said

The old man sighed and said:

“Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time..

And that’s when everything went crazy!

Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous!

And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”

“So what did you do?” The Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.

The old man continued,

“You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it.

I did the only think I could!

I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!

The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal.

But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know they’re dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.”

“So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.

The old man nodded,

“By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight.

It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”

“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.

The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialled a number.

“Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”

The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.

The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said,

“You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”

The old man nodded,

“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle.

Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name Onestone.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, Good morning, Onestone.

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, Good to see you,Onestone.

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???You can’t kill Two Birds With OneStone!

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, “I’m supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour.

But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack.

I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.”

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Kringle,” said the elf in charge of the workshop.

“One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick.

I’m afraid we only have four elites tonight.””So be it,” said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys.

By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.

Finally, the sack was full.

Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh.

But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting.

So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.

He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.

It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh.

By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.

Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched.

Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer.

But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open.

“Oh no!” he said. “Some of the reindeer may have escaped!”Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away.

To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns.

Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.

Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth.

Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems.

Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer.

He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.

But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them.

By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.

Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight.

Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.

“Good evening, Santa,” said the angel. “Where do you want me to put this?”

And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.