Daily Joke: Jokes Library

This guy had just bought a BMW M5 and decided to take it out and open it up.

He was cruising along Dutch roads just admiring the beautiful scenery.

He decided to see how it ran at speed, so he took it up to 110kph.

It felt great. Then up to 145kph.

Then he saw the flashing lights in his rearview mirror.

He decided to try to outrun the cop.

After a few minutes over 240kph he decided that this wasn’t the smartest thing he ever did and pulled over.

The cop came up, took his license without a word, looked it over. Then he said, “It’s Friday, it’s late. If you can give me an excuse for your behavior that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off.”

The guy thought a few seconds and said,”Last week my wife ran off with a cop and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates…

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. “Are you Mohammed?” he asks.

“No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.” And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds, coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?” “No, I am Moses.

Mohammed is higher still.” Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed?” “No, I am Jesus… You will find Mohammed higher up.”

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: “Are you Mohammed?” he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

“No my son…..I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?”

“Yes, please!” said the man.God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:”Hey Mohammed, two coffees!”

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?” “No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said. “Will you use it to gamble?”

“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.” “Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?” “Are you NUTS!? I haven’t played golf in 20 years!” The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.” The man replied: “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man who’s given up drinking, gambling and golf looks like.”

An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) .

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

A farmer’s wife comes out into the field as he’s plowing and begins to nag at him.

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, “I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see you smiling and nodding your head up in down in affirmation. But, whenever a man would speak with you, you’d frown and shake your head ‘no’. Why was there such a difference in your reaction?”

“Well, Father”, the man replied, “All the women kept remarking about what a wonderful woman my wife was, or how beautiful she looked, and all I could do was agree.”

“But what about the men?”, asked the priest.

“Well”, the man answered, “They kept asking me if I’d be willing to sell them that mule.”