Daily Joke: Jokes Library

It was a few days before Valentine’s Day and a young woman was taking an afternoon nap.

After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day!  What do you think it means?”

Her husband smiled. “Oh, I have a feeling you’ll know later tonight.” he said with a wink.

His wife squealed with joy. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it… only to find a book titled “The meaning of dreams.”

A man & his 4yo son were walking together one day and stumbled across 2 dogs having sex.

“Why is that dog hurting the other one?” asked the boy.

“He’s not hurting her,” said the dad “they’re making a puppy.”

A couple of nights later the boy walks in on his dad & mom making love and asks “Daddy why are you hurting mommy?”

“I’m not hurting mommy ” said the dad, “We’re making you a baby brother.

“Excitedly the boy screamed “Flip her over, I’d rather have a puppy.”

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.

He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.

“I specifically booked this seat!

Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”

The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.

“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.

“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”

He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.

Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.””

You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.

“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”

For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”

Mr. Johnson was now furious. He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.

The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.

A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.

As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”

“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”

A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “

3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”

“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”.

Just then the elevator door opened & the woman stepped out.

The next month the guy was in the same elevator & noticed the same woman running to make it in.

He held the door and as she stepped in he said “I remember you, 3rd floor right?”

With her mouth completely full she looked at him & said “mph, mph, fif floor.”

A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?

”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.

The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!

That p3n!s is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.

So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says “ hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.

The doctor says “ ffffVck yyyou”