Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom….

So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.

The worker suggests some cr0tch-less p@nties and takes her to see some.

The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.

When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.

She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new p@nties.

She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.

After some time she hears him come in.

He calls out to her, “where are you??”

“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.

He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.

“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.

The man takes one looks and says,

“Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”

A farmer goes to the local farmer’s market to try and sell his bull.

A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?

Farmer: Of course he’s good. Shit, he’s even too good!

He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc.

There’s not an animal on that farm he hasn’t tried to fuck yet.

Stranger: Then why are you selling him?

Farmer: Because for the last few days he’s been looking at my wife kind of funny.

A city kid went to his grandpa’s farm for the weekend.

He tagged along as Pa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in.

Then Grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving.

He didn’t know how the whole process would be taken in by the six-year-old but had no option but to get on with the job of assisting the birth.

When the calf had been ‘pulled’ and the cow was happily cleaning it up, Pa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.

At first, the kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but finally asked,

“Just how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow’s behind?”

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realizing that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store.

He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained.

The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.

“Why yes,” says the farmer.

“I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don’t think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many.”

The shopkeeper says,

“I’ve got just the thing for you.” and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.

“Are you sure?” asks the farmer,

“I have very many sheep and I don’t think one dog will be able to round all of them up.”.

“I’m sure.” says the shopkeeper,

“This is a very intelligent dog. He’s been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes,” says the dog,

“I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering.”

The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn’t be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.

That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together uphill, and from the top, they can see the entire flock covering the fields.

“Well,” says the farmer, “I’d like you to round up all of this sheep.”.

“Okay.” replies the dog,

“You have nine hundred sheep.”

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.

“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.”

“Wow” responded the psychiatrist in amazement.

“I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”

OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”

“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”

When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.

“How come I didn’t hear from you?” He asked.

“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money and just cut the legs off the bed!”