Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday.

But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn’t a sign of it in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma,

“Granny, what happened to the loo brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I really didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far too scratchy.”

A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.

He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.

“What’s the matter?” She asks

“I’ve got no one to pass these onto when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos

“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car, “this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition” “I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely bre@sts.”

Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.

Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo,

“this is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.”

“You can have it, only, I’d love to see those bre@sts bouncing up and down in front of me.”

She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.

Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says

“here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.”

“It’s yours if you could just let me play with those spiffing bre@sts of yours for a couple of minutes.”

Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and lets the old man have a good fumble of her jubblies.

Wide-eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says,

“thank you so much, my dear.”

He stands up and hands her the three photographs.

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.

One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.

“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said,

“My God, how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”

The old man was so happy, that he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.

The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually, the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.

She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said,

“so this is the hussy he’s been foolin’ around with!”

While at his favourite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking girl.

So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it.

After a long while… He climaxes loudly.

Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her,

“So…. you finish?” After a slight pause.

She replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.

Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”

And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and mounts his companion du jour.

This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does after quite some time and energy is spent.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

“No. I’m Swedish.”

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his stock in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man,

“If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers,

“Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his

location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says,

“You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, you’ll be helpin’ yourself to one of me animals, then, since you won it fair and square.” says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says,

“Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?”

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says,

“Okay, old fella, why not? I’m a believer in fair play.”

“You’re a politician & you work in Canberra.” says the old-timer.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered Billy

“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollar’s worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.” !!!!!