07/01/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16150
A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck.
The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash.
The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre.
The man explains that the duck is his service pet.
However, because he didn’t have his service pet certification on him, the duck wasn’t allowed in.
The man then goes to the side of the theatre and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants.
With no duck to be seen, the ticket agent allows the man in.
The theatre was packed and the man ends up sitting next to two ladies.
About twenty minutes into the movie the duck was getting uncomfortable and hot so the man unzips his pants to let the duck breath.
The duck sticks out his head and starts looking around.
One lady nudges the other lady and exclaims,
“Hey, this guy next to me just unzipped his pants.”
The lady furthest away says,
“Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all”.
The other lady replies,
“Yes, that’s what I thought, but this one’s eating my popcorn”.
06/30/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16146
A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day…
She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years.
His favourite: a sandwich on Italian bread, made with turkey, American cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo.
The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite.
His wife asks the same thing she always asks,
“How’s the sandwich dear?”
Every time he would give the same response,
“It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit.
So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread.
She thought surely he will enjoy this!
The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “How’s the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety.
So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time it’s made with salami, pepperoni, and extra veggies and vinegarette dressing.
He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks
“How’s the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a disappointed look on his face.
The next day, as lunchtime is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch. She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides she’s going to make him the most unique sandwich he’s ever had.
She prepares her Italian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it.
She adds random ingredients like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings.
She thought “If this doesn’t get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”
The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich.
All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.
Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had.
He chuckled a bit and says
“Finally! Something original in this sub!”
06/29/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16142
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school.
He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested & she asks
“…How did it go?”
“I died of shame”…he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly…
“But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
06/28/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16137
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Hell.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, “I try to be good – I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said, “No, I did this bad thing. I won’t make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon.”
At this point, they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single blonde women in the group) wasn’t saying anything.
They turned to her and said, “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’ll be going to Heaven?”
She says “No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!”
They were shocked and asked, “Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you?”
06/27/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16134
There’s a couple that has been dating for a while.
As much as he wants to, she won’t sleep with him, because she’s saving her virginity for marriage.
Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said,
“Oh come on, just a feeling.”
To which she replies,
“No, I’m saving myself for marriage!”
They went back and forth.
He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”
She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel.
Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”
She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “Please, please?” and she says,
“No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”
She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”
She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the t!p, no more, and that’s all.”
He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in…
he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town… she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts,
“Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!”
A little stunned, he says,
“No no…absolutely not, a deals a deal!”