06/16/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16092
A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says,
“Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says,
“It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says,
“Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies,
“No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
06/15/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16088
A 75-year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said.
“Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar,.
which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains.
“Well, doc, it is like this.
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing.. Then her left, but nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your NEIGHBOR?”
The old man replied,
“Yep, but no matter what we tried, we could not get the damn jar open!”
06/14/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16086
A beautiful woman is sitting next to the little johnny on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nosedive.
The Captain comes on the intercom and says
“I hate to have to tell you this folk, but we might not walk away from this one.”
Everyone begins to panic except for johnny who sheepishly turns to the woman and says,
“I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.”
The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments.
She passionately kisses him.
Johnny, elated, goes on,
“Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a bre@st.”
Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt.
After a good long feel, the little Johnny again says
“you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a bl0w job.”
Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt.
Just then the plane levels off.
As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him.
The woman walks off the plain she says
“thank you so much for saving us from certain death.”
The Little Johnny shouts
“just a little longer next time dad!”
06/13/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16084
So a stoner, a whoremonger, and an alcoholic are all on the bus together when they get in a fatal crash. Naturally, they go to hell for their sins, and when they meet the devil instead of damnation he first offers them 100 years in the room of their preferred sin with the condition they cannot leave even once. All three men, of course, gleefully accept the offer and go into their respective rooms.
100 years later, the devil checks on the room with the whoremonger and upon opening the door is met with “OH, THANK GOD ITS YOU! YOURE BACK!” His body was chapped and worn, his manhood bruised to a pulp from overuse, he said “I swear I repent, I will never lust after a woman again! Just let me free!”
“Very well”, says the devil, and goes to check on the room with the alcoholic. Upon opening the door is met with “OH, THANK GOD ITS YOU! YOURE BACK!” He looked sicker than a corpse with the hangover, the room covered in vomit and half finished bottles, he said “I swear I repent, I will never taste a drop of alcohol again! Just let me free!”
“Very well”, says the devil, and goes to check on the room with the stoner. Upon opening the door, he hears no yelling or begging, but instead sees the man sitting in the middle of a cannabis garden more lush than Eden, gently crying. The devil approaches him and asks, “so, how did you enjoy your century of sin?”, to which the man tearfully replies “…you forgot to give me a lighter.”
06/12/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16082
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband. “A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said,
“Hey, where’s the toast?