Daily Joke: Jokes Library

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away.

They agree, and the pastor greets the family.

“Pastor,” Johnny says,

“I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust.”

“That’s right, Johnny, I did,” he says.

“And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust.”

“Yes, I’m glad you were listening,” the pastor replies.

“Why do you ask?”

“Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, ’cause there’s someone either comin’ or goin’!”

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,

“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”.

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.

They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

A frog walks in a bank and ask for a loan.

So once upon a time, there was a frog. This frog wishes to vacation to the Bahamas, so he goes to the bank to take out a loan.

He walks up to the teller’s desk, noticing her name was Paddy Whack.

He asks her: “Um excuse me ma’am, I’d like to take out a loan” the teller looks up from her desk and says: Name please.”

“Kermit,” the frog said. “Kermit Jagger. My dad’s Mick Jagger.”

Paddy then asks “Do you have collateral?”

The frog then hands her a small porcelain platypus.

Paddy goes to her manager’s office and tells him about the frog and the loan, and his collateral.

The manager replies, it’s a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a Loan! His old man’s a rolling stone!”

A man needed a horse,

so he went to a temple and got one.

Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse.

In order to make the horse go, you say,

“Thank God,” and for it to stop you say, “Amen.”

So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse.

Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff.

Just in time, he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.

“Whew,” said the man,

“thank God!”

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.

The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.

“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”

Gus replies, “I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.”

The waiter says,

“Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.”

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.

The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.

He goes to pay the cashier and asks,

“Where’d you get those eggs?”

She replies, “We have our own chicken farm.”

The drunk asks, “Do you have a rooster?

“No,” she says.

The drunk replies,

“Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is scr*wing your chickens.”