01/23/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16813
An old carpenter was blind, but he would sit in the pub carving little figures:
If you asked what he was carving he would always tell you the kind of wood before he told you the figure.
He bragged that he could tell any kind of wood by smell.
Everyone tried to stump him, but he always got the right wood.
A few of his friends came up with a plan.
They got an old lady to lie on the bar.
The old man sniffed and thought and sniffed again.
He told them to turn the wood over so the old lady lay on her stomach and he sniffed again.
His face lit up and he said….
“You tried to trick me, this is the sh*thouse door from a tuna boat.”
01/22/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16811
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
“Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!”
Martha replies,
“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds,
“I don’t care.”
“Just so long as you’re out of my house by noon!”
01/21/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16808
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little squirt, O’Conner,” says Sean,
“He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy,
“a shovel is what he had, and a terrible Iickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean,
“you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy,
“Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, but it didn’t help much.”
01/20/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16805
Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young son’s room.
She finally had to ask:
“Johnny, why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?”
He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar.
The mother quickly replied.
“God gave it to you? How did this happen?”
“Well Mom, you give me a dollar to give to God.”
“So before church every Sunday I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he’ll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me.”
01/19/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16802
A 5-year-old son Little Johnny after reading the story of a king.
Johnny: Mom, I also want 3 wives. one will cook, one will sing, and one will bathe me.
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Johnny:..No mom, I will still sleep with you…Mom’s eyes filled up with tears … God bless you, son.
Mom:…but who will sleep with your 3 wives.
Johnny: Let them sleep with daddy…
Daddy’s eyes filled up with tears… God bless you, son!