Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run… but there were problems.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the bottle and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.

They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef’s special ‘Chicken Surprise’.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he! sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

‘Well sir’, says the waiter, ‘What did you order?’

‘We both chose the same’, he replies, ‘the Chicken Surprise’

‘Oh I do apologise, this is my fault’ says the waiter…..

‘I’ve brought you the Peking duck’

The little sexy housewife was having her TV repaired.

The TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.

Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her:

When he’d finished she paid him and said.

“I’m going to make a well unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on.

“Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man sigh he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man.”

The repairman could hardly speak.

“Yes! Yes!”

“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door.”

“Yes; yes!”

“Would you help me move the refrigerator?”

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter said with admiration.

“Thanks,” the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little Partner,” the fire fighter said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think it could go faster.”

The little girl replied thoughtfully,

“You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out of the hospital window.

An old drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,

‘ What the heck is going on here?’

The old drunk man, still staring down at the bedsheets in amazement, replied:

‘I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost.’