12/12/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16692
Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”
“274,” came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man,
“It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday,” replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man,
“Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”
“Nine,” says the third man.
“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”
“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”
12/11/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16689
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic.
It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio:
“Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive.
He loops back next to the Airbus and asks:
“Well, how was that?”
The Airbus pilot answers:
“Very impressive, but watch this!”
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens.
It continues to fly straight, at the same speed.
After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios,
“Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks,
“What did you do?”
The AirBus pilot laughs and says:
“I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry.”
The moral of the story is:
When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seem to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.
12/10/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16686
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.
His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed,
“Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!”
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.
Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
“Thank you, God, for the food I’m about to receive…”
12/09/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16683
A Man was going to the county fair one day with a pig under one arm and a chicken under one arm, and a basket on his head.
He came to a crossroads and didn’t know which way to turn.
While he stood there deciding, a young woman approached him, heading the same direction.
“Please, ma’am, I’m on the way to the county fair. Can you tell me which way to go?”
“Yes,” she replied.
“I’m on my way there, too. We’ll go right down this way about a mile, turn left about a mile and a half, left again about a mile and we’re right there.”
He said, “Wait a minute… down here, turn left and left again? Couldn’t we save a lot of time by talking through these woods?”
She replied, “Yes, we could. But I couldn’t walk through those woods with you. Why… you might try to kiss me!”
“Listen,” he said, “how could I possibly kiss anybody with a pig under one arm, a chicken under one arm and a basket on my head?”
“Well,” she replied,
“you could put that chicken on the ground, turn the basket upside down over the chicken, and I could hold that little bitty ole pig.”
12/08/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16680
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds,
“In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies
“Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one
turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”