Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” spoke the Rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.”

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door.

The farmer opened the door,and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him.

But a few minutes later the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies,

“I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

That leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Two football players were taking an important final exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.

The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ___.”

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer.

He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

“Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba.

“Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.”

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.

He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered,

“Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says,

“Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”

Frank says,

“Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same,

yeah, I would give the other one to you.”

So, they keep walking.

After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says,

“Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”

Jim says,

“Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of

those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”

They keep walking.

A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank,

“Frank, if you had two chickens…”

“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”

A shark swimming under a Bridge sees a Squid swimming towards him:

“How ya goin’ Squid?” He said.

In a feeble voice, the Squid replied.

“Not too good Mr Shark.”

“Oh, crook are ya?” The shark said.

“Yeah, I am.” He said.

“Where ya going?” The Shark said.

“I was going to North Head, there’s a place there where this weed grows that’ll fix me up, but I’m too sick to go.” He said.

The shark smiled and said.

“Hop on my back and I’ll take you out there.”

The Squid thanked him and got on his back.

They arrived at the Heads and the Shark dived to the bottom outside this undersea cave.

A big grouper came out and said.

“How ya going? Shark, what brings you to over here?” He asked.

“Oh I just called in to give you that sick squid I owe you.”

On break time, a teacher realized that one of his students had just stayed idle like a desolated statue.

Wanting to at least cheer him up, the teacher went where the kid was and sat down beside him and said,

“Johnny, what’s wrong with you? Are you sick?”

“No.” He said shaking his head.

“So what’s wrong?”

“I just wanna be alone.”

“Why?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on, what if you tell me a story?”

“Hmmm,” said Johnny, “okay, I’ll tell you this story in four parts.”

“Now you’re talking. What’s the story about?”

“It’s about my mom and dad.”

“Really? That’ll be a great one.”

“Yes. It’s in four parts.”

“Great, so what’s part one about?”

“My mom and dad were travelling to a camping site yesterday. On their way there, they reached a junction where the road was splitting up. Dad looked at my mom and said, ‘honey, we’re gonna take the right turn’ but my mom protested and said, ‘no, this road is too muddy! Take the right turn!’ Quickly, dad slapped my mom and asked her, ‘who is driving? Is it you or me?’ “

“Damn! That was harsh.” Said the teacher.

“Really? If you only knew about what happened in part two.”

“Okay, what happened in the second part?”

“When they arrived to the camping site, my dad went straight fishing and mom was home. Dad returned about an hour later with five tilapia fish which got my mom very happy and she said to him, ‘well done honey, bring them here so I can boil them for you and make you some soup.’ However, my dad protested saying, ‘no. No. No honey, I don’t want boiled fish, grill them a bit and fry them later…’ before he could even finish a hot slap landed on to his face and then my mom asked him, ‘who is cooking? Is it you or me?’.”

“Fair enough.” Said the teacher smiling.

“I like how smart she is.”

Johnny laughed and said, “me too, but now I wanna start telling you about what happened in the fourth part. You’ll like it I bet you…” the teacher cut him off.

“Why the fourth part? Tell me about what happened in the third part first.” Said the teacher before a surprisingly hot slap landed on her face.

“Dammit Johnny! What was that for?”

Johnny laughed at her and said,
“who is telling the story? Is it you or me?”